So a few of my last posts showed I was really conflicted about love and what not and I had started a relationship with some one who was absolutely horrible for me. He tested my nerve every chance he got, started up arguments with me and then laughed when I got angry, caused to be in such a sad emotional state that I didn't have the strength to stand up and leave him. I found myself saying I love you and I never want to leave you despite the verbal abuse- we got into another argument once and he hit me! The worst part of that was, not that he hit me despite saying he never would, but that I WAS THE ONE WHO SAID I'M SORRY! He started the conversation, he took the deliberate decision to hit me and I was the one who felt sorry.
We parted for a few days and I had time to think. I knew deep down that I deserved more but was so broken emotionally that I couldn't stand on my own two feet-I felt I needed this relationship. I realised in those few days away from him that no matter how strongly I felt for him, I needed to get out. I resolved then to be peaceful to see what he would do if I didn't get angry, that since I was feeling guilty for causing the argument I'd remain calm. When we met up, he did tons of things to get me upset or provoked, but no matter what he did I remained calm, joked about it and never showed and inkling of even annoyance. He drove himself to rage that evening and when he realized I wasn't responding! He raised his hand in public to strike me again. I realised what was going on and held him back. I fought with him, screamed at the top of my lungs, gritted my teeth and let the anguish flow out of my tears and prayed over and over in my mind that someone would come quickly to help me. A lady came right up to him and asked what's going on. When he realised people had begun to gather he hugged me and said "she was stressed out at school and its getting to her.
I had an awakening! A lightning bolt hit my brain- how can someone be so EVIL! I screamed at him saying he's a liar and he was trying to hit me and grabbed my bag and ran. I didn't talk to anyone that day. He caught up to me and walked by me saying threatening things, cursing at me and feigning to punch me. I walked straight with my head hung, crying. He pushed me down in the road, grabbed my book bag and banged me into walls. I cried and I walked home. I did not react. I just picked myself up and kept walking. I needed to remain calm and I needed to cry. Not because I was angry or in disbelief, not because I was or felt sorry for myself. I cried because I needed to get my tears out of the way of what was to come next-I needed to let go of all my emotions.
When I got to the house I was as cold as the pits of an iceberg. I gathered his things neatly, we took a cab together to his house. I got my things together there and I left him. He tried t stall me by not calling the taxi as I had asked him, hiding my things an opening my bag. All the while he begged and pleaded wth me to forgive him for the days events, told me he was afraid to love me that's why he acted that way I listened to all he was saying as he was trying to invoke my emotions. I felt no emotion, no tragedy no hope and no care for his words. If my eyes could've changed colour to meet how i felt on the inside they would've been pitch black. I left him and I never looked back. I started a tumblr blog called How to fail which was essentially chronicling all I did wrong and and in hindsight what I should've done- I did it in a form of "what-not-to-do" guide for other people. I had a good following but as I rebuilt myself I needed it less and less. Now I almost never post on it. If you want to see my "guide" though you can check it out at http://howtofail-ja.tumblr.com/
I know a lot of people go through similar and worse situations and have even stronger ties to stay but I just want to let someone who is seeing the early signs of an abusive relationship to let go while you can. Never rush into a relationship because you want love. take the time to know who the person really is before you commit to a life together with them. I know a lot of people won't be as strong as I am or won't be able to get out- It is for the rest of us to help those people.
What are your thoughts on what a relationship should have? Sound off in the comments!
Saturday, June 15, 2013
A new beginning-Welcome party anyone?
Hello my beautiful blog!
I literally haven't been on here in years! Since 2011 to be exact. Since then I have found my calling in art, met and fallen in love with a wonderful man, finished my law degree and started law school and started my own enterprise in the form of a carnival band at UWI carnival. I read through some of my previous posts and realized how sad and lost I was during that time. I was definitely trying to figure out who I wanted to be, what was love for me and what it all meant in my life. Now, I haven't exactly figured it all out but I feel more secure in myself and who I am and want to be. Maybe its age, maybe its maturity but I definitely needed the time to grow.
So what's been going on with me? Tons! For one thing I started three tumblr blogs and a personal journal. I will post the next few days from each just to give a recap of the last couple years. Why come back now you ask? Well I learned recently that the business world is not as easy as I thought it was. that in today's society having a self brand is just as important as having a business brand. That if you want to succeed in your field you have to do as much self promotion as you do promotion of your business. So instead of being a crazy this is my life of lost love and struggles I think I want to document here how I'm growing personally and what I am doing to better brand myself. Whether its law or creative media I want to become an authority on it. That is my goal for the next few years-Success.
People today are opening the Greatest Secret or looking at all sorts of self motivation books to push themselves to motivate themselves, to figure out what they need to do to make more money and be successful. The simple reality of it all is that people have phased into a higher consciousness of social reality-Believing is all you need to achieve. Believing in oneself is the first step at attaining one's goals-BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN HAVE IT! A lot of our restrictions in life are mental- there is ALWAYS a way to achieve we just have to want it. I don't mean want it, but at the same time particularize why we can't have it. I mean want it and despite all odds and obstacles take it. I think being self motivated is a big part of self branding-one might fear what comes from putting oneself out there to be viewed publicly; what if I don't do it right? What if they say mean things? I won't succeed because I don't have a degree for it. All of that is the reason why more of us stay sad and drab in our little crappy situations. Because we focus on the negativity- what if people love you? So what if you Don't have a degree neither did Einstein, Beethoven or Worhol. We should never limit ourselves just because we look out at other people's way of achieving and don't think we can do it the way they did, or because some one tells you you can't.
I'm reminded of Les Brown, the motivational speaker whose life took a 180 degree spin when he was in high school. He had a twin brother who was very smart. He on the other hand was tested and labelled very early on in life as Mentally retarded- he believe that he was to the core because everyone told him he was. After school one day he went to his brother's class to meet with someone and his brother's teacher called on him to write something on the board. He hesitated and the teacher asked him to hurry up, he finally answered "I can't". When the teacher asked him "why not?" he responded saying he was n the special education class. The teacher either didn't understand or didn't care and asked him to come and write on the board again. Les hung his head and other persons in the class started laughing telling the teacher that, the teacher was mistaking Les for his brother the smart twin that he was DT. The teacher looked at Les and asked what DT meant. Les answered it means DUMB TWIN!. The teacher shushed every one grabbed Les by the arm and said "DON'T EVER SAY THAT AGAIN. SOMEONE'S OPINION OF YOU DOESN'T HAVE TO BECOME YOUR REALITY!"
Hearing that helped me out of a glum situation recently because it made me realize I define who I am. If I accept the negativity that someone says I am then I become that because I believe myself to be. Whereas, on the other hand, if I decide to be who I set out to be despite the same negativity someone says I am, I will be what I want to be despite them.
Our only restrictions from success are our own mental blocks- not society's, not the schools's, not our employer's or our parents' or anyone else! Once you can grasp that epiphany then you have accomplished the first step to success I know this mind block is a big big task to face for a lot of people. You will always have doubts, but belief is what will keep you going. Believe you can and you shall. If you belief you must have it, it will come to you and if you work in the belief that you will get it-it will come even sooner.
Success is no longer far in the distance its right in front of you, all you have to do is not be afraid to take it.
So yeah my road to success, self motivating myself a chronicle of my aspirations and achievements- that's what I am doing with this blog. Hope you stay with me. :)
I literally haven't been on here in years! Since 2011 to be exact. Since then I have found my calling in art, met and fallen in love with a wonderful man, finished my law degree and started law school and started my own enterprise in the form of a carnival band at UWI carnival. I read through some of my previous posts and realized how sad and lost I was during that time. I was definitely trying to figure out who I wanted to be, what was love for me and what it all meant in my life. Now, I haven't exactly figured it all out but I feel more secure in myself and who I am and want to be. Maybe its age, maybe its maturity but I definitely needed the time to grow.
So what's been going on with me? Tons! For one thing I started three tumblr blogs and a personal journal. I will post the next few days from each just to give a recap of the last couple years. Why come back now you ask? Well I learned recently that the business world is not as easy as I thought it was. that in today's society having a self brand is just as important as having a business brand. That if you want to succeed in your field you have to do as much self promotion as you do promotion of your business. So instead of being a crazy this is my life of lost love and struggles I think I want to document here how I'm growing personally and what I am doing to better brand myself. Whether its law or creative media I want to become an authority on it. That is my goal for the next few years-Success.
People today are opening the Greatest Secret or looking at all sorts of self motivation books to push themselves to motivate themselves, to figure out what they need to do to make more money and be successful. The simple reality of it all is that people have phased into a higher consciousness of social reality-Believing is all you need to achieve. Believing in oneself is the first step at attaining one's goals-BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN HAVE IT! A lot of our restrictions in life are mental- there is ALWAYS a way to achieve we just have to want it. I don't mean want it, but at the same time particularize why we can't have it. I mean want it and despite all odds and obstacles take it. I think being self motivated is a big part of self branding-one might fear what comes from putting oneself out there to be viewed publicly; what if I don't do it right? What if they say mean things? I won't succeed because I don't have a degree for it. All of that is the reason why more of us stay sad and drab in our little crappy situations. Because we focus on the negativity- what if people love you? So what if you Don't have a degree neither did Einstein, Beethoven or Worhol. We should never limit ourselves just because we look out at other people's way of achieving and don't think we can do it the way they did, or because some one tells you you can't.
I'm reminded of Les Brown, the motivational speaker whose life took a 180 degree spin when he was in high school. He had a twin brother who was very smart. He on the other hand was tested and labelled very early on in life as Mentally retarded- he believe that he was to the core because everyone told him he was. After school one day he went to his brother's class to meet with someone and his brother's teacher called on him to write something on the board. He hesitated and the teacher asked him to hurry up, he finally answered "I can't". When the teacher asked him "why not?" he responded saying he was n the special education class. The teacher either didn't understand or didn't care and asked him to come and write on the board again. Les hung his head and other persons in the class started laughing telling the teacher that, the teacher was mistaking Les for his brother the smart twin that he was DT. The teacher looked at Les and asked what DT meant. Les answered it means DUMB TWIN!. The teacher shushed every one grabbed Les by the arm and said "DON'T EVER SAY THAT AGAIN. SOMEONE'S OPINION OF YOU DOESN'T HAVE TO BECOME YOUR REALITY!"
Hearing that helped me out of a glum situation recently because it made me realize I define who I am. If I accept the negativity that someone says I am then I become that because I believe myself to be. Whereas, on the other hand, if I decide to be who I set out to be despite the same negativity someone says I am, I will be what I want to be despite them.
Our only restrictions from success are our own mental blocks- not society's, not the schools's, not our employer's or our parents' or anyone else! Once you can grasp that epiphany then you have accomplished the first step to success I know this mind block is a big big task to face for a lot of people. You will always have doubts, but belief is what will keep you going. Believe you can and you shall. If you belief you must have it, it will come to you and if you work in the belief that you will get it-it will come even sooner.
Success is no longer far in the distance its right in front of you, all you have to do is not be afraid to take it.
So yeah my road to success, self motivating myself a chronicle of my aspirations and achievements- that's what I am doing with this blog. Hope you stay with me. :)
Monday, May 30, 2011
New Ideas.
So I know alot of people are probably blogging about this trend right now but I wanna put my two cents on it as well. What is it?
Fascinators
Fascinators are traditional headdresses mostly worn by young women instead of a full on brimmed hat. They were made from lace and embellishments in the 1800s and largely went out of style in the 1960s to 1990s they are being resurrected now as a statement piece and being worn by some of the most influential member of Pop culture such as Lady gaga, Nicki Minaj and even the newly wedded Princess Kate. Actually it was the royal wedding that sparked such a flame in this trend.
In the past few years, designers and trendy people had been resurrecting the 1920s and 30s ideas of head bands with feathers and toule as an accessory. I admit they are adorable. It wasnt until this year that an absolute outburst of fascinators came to be a trend in America. Here are some examples.
Modern Fascinators are made from ribbons feathers and toule all put together in some geometric shape that all comes out absolutly astonishing. While these pics aboove arent the most eccentiric, believe me when I say they can get that way.
So being the creative mind I am i decide. I'm not going to even try to figure out how much one of these will cost. Instead I'm going to make one my self. I found this great DIY vid of how to do it as well.
So when I get it done I will let you see!
Wish me luck!!!
Fascinators
Fascinators are traditional headdresses mostly worn by young women instead of a full on brimmed hat. They were made from lace and embellishments in the 1800s and largely went out of style in the 1960s to 1990s they are being resurrected now as a statement piece and being worn by some of the most influential member of Pop culture such as Lady gaga, Nicki Minaj and even the newly wedded Princess Kate. Actually it was the royal wedding that sparked such a flame in this trend.
In the past few years, designers and trendy people had been resurrecting the 1920s and 30s ideas of head bands with feathers and toule as an accessory. I admit they are adorable. It wasnt until this year that an absolute outburst of fascinators came to be a trend in America. Here are some examples.
Modern Fascinators are made from ribbons feathers and toule all put together in some geometric shape that all comes out absolutly astonishing. While these pics aboove arent the most eccentiric, believe me when I say they can get that way.
So being the creative mind I am i decide. I'm not going to even try to figure out how much one of these will cost. Instead I'm going to make one my self. I found this great DIY vid of how to do it as well.
So when I get it done I will let you see!
Wish me luck!!!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Where was I...?
....when the rockets came to life...and carried you away..into the alligator sky...
These are lyrics from Owl City's latest single "Alligator Sky". The music now a days is really light-hearted and care-free, fun or mischievous. Few people still sing about feelings and emotions and the hard times we are facing. I don't know about anyone else but I appreciate it. In this life, today's life, no one really wants to hear about how much turmoil we are in. We already hear it from our friends, managers, teachers, pastors, political leaders, etc. and honestly it puts a weight on us. We really don't want to hear much more of it.
Music for me, and for a lot of other people, is a method of escape. It evokes emotions where there was none previously. It soothes harsh wounds, It comforts and it allows you to express your feelings. Music Brings us together and it tears us apart.
Music creates a new world for me.
Some people can't understand how other people react to random beats with no clear rhythm. All I have to say to them is sit and listen.
Not sure why Music does this though. I heard one of my friends reason that Lucifer was really good at music as an angel and uses it to this day to evoke the emotions he wants in people. Maybe that's a good reason why the majority of music is lead by hate, sex, carefree-ness and other emotions that humans probably shouldn't live by. Whatever the case is I enjoy music and I appreciate it. Let me hear from you. What's your favourite kind of music and why???
These are lyrics from Owl City's latest single "Alligator Sky". The music now a days is really light-hearted and care-free, fun or mischievous. Few people still sing about feelings and emotions and the hard times we are facing. I don't know about anyone else but I appreciate it. In this life, today's life, no one really wants to hear about how much turmoil we are in. We already hear it from our friends, managers, teachers, pastors, political leaders, etc. and honestly it puts a weight on us. We really don't want to hear much more of it.
Music for me, and for a lot of other people, is a method of escape. It evokes emotions where there was none previously. It soothes harsh wounds, It comforts and it allows you to express your feelings. Music Brings us together and it tears us apart.
Music creates a new world for me.
Some people can't understand how other people react to random beats with no clear rhythm. All I have to say to them is sit and listen.
Not sure why Music does this though. I heard one of my friends reason that Lucifer was really good at music as an angel and uses it to this day to evoke the emotions he wants in people. Maybe that's a good reason why the majority of music is lead by hate, sex, carefree-ness and other emotions that humans probably shouldn't live by. Whatever the case is I enjoy music and I appreciate it. Let me hear from you. What's your favourite kind of music and why???
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Tonight I'm loving you....
Other than being a popular Enrique Igleias song it's also the story of my life!
Men are funny creatures; able to be completely predictable as well as completely spontaneous. So you think you are heading in a certain direction, and then the bastard pulls a u-turn on you. What do you do next? Well don't look at me 'cause I have no clue either!
I guess you continue your journey, switching lanes to something else. It's all just exhausting so I'd just rather not part-take in it right now. Instead, I'll find a guy I like enough to go out with and screw 'em....yup i said it, screw 'em. Most men in my age bracket and locale just wanna have you, screw you and run anyway. So why bother holding on?
One day this will all be resolved but until then I'll just hold my corner and work on my other life goals.
See yah!!!
Men are funny creatures; able to be completely predictable as well as completely spontaneous. So you think you are heading in a certain direction, and then the bastard pulls a u-turn on you. What do you do next? Well don't look at me 'cause I have no clue either!
I guess you continue your journey, switching lanes to something else. It's all just exhausting so I'd just rather not part-take in it right now. Instead, I'll find a guy I like enough to go out with and screw 'em....yup i said it, screw 'em. Most men in my age bracket and locale just wanna have you, screw you and run anyway. So why bother holding on?
One day this will all be resolved but until then I'll just hold my corner and work on my other life goals.
See yah!!!
Friday, January 7, 2011
Just a day, just an ordinary day
The timeless Vanessa Carlton song rings in my head even now. Not sure why but today feels especially bland. I haven't heard from my special someone in days. His phone isn't working or so he says and he isn't online....hmm....I guess when you don't wanna talk to someone u really dont!
It seems ironic that people who are selfish and egotistic and otherwise unlovable , always get what they want, while the rest of us just have to live with bad luck and accept it. Or do we? I'm over the defeatist mentality. It's time to make my own good luck.
Just a boy just an ordinary boy but he was looking to the sky and as he asked if i would come along I started to realise that evreyday he finds what he's looking for...
It seems ironic that people who are selfish and egotistic and otherwise unlovable , always get what they want, while the rest of us just have to live with bad luck and accept it. Or do we? I'm over the defeatist mentality. It's time to make my own good luck.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
LOVE, O the Irony...
Love is a strong, beautiful, amazing, demeaning feeling. Weid definition I know. Love will make you do strange things; overlook idocity, lower your standards, make you put up with foolishnness and take all kinds of bullshit. All in the name of LOVE.
I've given my fare share of love, and taken more than that of dumb-fuckery. I'm tired of it. A friend of mine once said that Happiness, just like any other emotion, is a state of mind, you can't find happiness, you make it for yourself. I believe its the same with love. YOU make love, Its not something that just drops out the sky like a meteor and takes over your life. Love is attraction + a massive yearn for companionship. And until I'm proven wrong this will be my honest belief. I love art, life and myself. I'm done playing games and I'm over all the hatred. If a relationship can't make you happy then it's not worth the effort. Love is supposed to be easy, if it aignt well it's probably not love. If it causes more pain than happiness then Its definately not love. Thats my take on it though....
What do you think?
I've given my fare share of love, and taken more than that of dumb-fuckery. I'm tired of it. A friend of mine once said that Happiness, just like any other emotion, is a state of mind, you can't find happiness, you make it for yourself. I believe its the same with love. YOU make love, Its not something that just drops out the sky like a meteor and takes over your life. Love is attraction + a massive yearn for companionship. And until I'm proven wrong this will be my honest belief. I love art, life and myself. I'm done playing games and I'm over all the hatred. If a relationship can't make you happy then it's not worth the effort. Love is supposed to be easy, if it aignt well it's probably not love. If it causes more pain than happiness then Its definately not love. Thats my take on it though....
What do you think?
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