How to Fail

So a few of my last posts showed I was really conflicted about love and what not and I had started a relationship with some one who was absolutely horrible for me. He tested my nerve every chance he got, started up arguments with me and then laughed when I got angry, caused to be in such a sad emotional state that I didn't have the strength to stand up and leave him. I found myself saying I love you and I never want to leave you despite the verbal abuse- we got into another argument once and he hit me! The worst part of that was, not that he hit me despite saying he never would, but that I WAS THE ONE WHO SAID I'M SORRY! He started the conversation, he took the deliberate decision to hit me and I was the one who felt sorry.

We parted for a few days and I had time to think. I knew deep down that I deserved more but was so broken emotionally that I couldn't stand on my own two feet-I felt I needed this relationship. I realised in those few days away from him that no matter how strongly I felt for him, I needed to get out. I resolved then to be peaceful to see what he would do if I didn't get angry, that since I was feeling guilty for causing the argument I'd remain calm. When we met up, he did tons of things to get me upset or provoked, but no matter what he did I remained calm, joked about it and never showed and inkling of even annoyance. He drove himself to rage that evening and when he realized I wasn't responding! He raised his hand in public to strike me again. I realised what was going on and held him back. I fought with him, screamed at the top of my lungs, gritted my teeth and let the anguish flow out of my tears and prayed over and over in my mind that someone would come quickly to help me. A lady came right up to him and asked what's going on. When he realised people had begun to gather he hugged me and said "she was stressed out at school and its getting to her.

I had an awakening! A lightning bolt hit my brain- how can someone be so EVIL! I screamed at him saying he's a liar and he was trying to hit me and grabbed my bag and ran. I didn't talk to anyone that day. He caught up to me and walked by me saying threatening things, cursing at me and feigning to punch me. I walked straight with my head hung, crying. He pushed me down in the road, grabbed my book bag and banged me into walls. I cried and I walked home. I did not react. I just picked myself up and kept walking. I needed to remain calm and I needed to cry. Not because I was angry or in disbelief, not because I was or felt sorry for myself. I cried because I needed to get my tears out of the way of what was to come next-I needed to let go of all my emotions.

When I got to the house I was as cold as the pits of an iceberg. I gathered his things neatly, we took a cab together to his house. I got my things together there and I left him. He tried t stall me by not calling the taxi as I had asked him, hiding my things an opening my bag. All the while he begged and pleaded wth me to forgive him for the days events, told me he was afraid to love me that's why he acted that way I listened to all he was saying as he was trying to invoke my emotions. I felt no emotion, no tragedy no hope and no care for his words. If my eyes could've changed colour to meet how i felt on the inside they would've been pitch black. I left him and I never looked back. I started a tumblr blog called How to fail which was essentially chronicling all I did wrong and and in hindsight what I should've done- I did it in a form of "what-not-to-do" guide for other people. I had a good following but as I rebuilt myself I needed it less and less. Now I almost never post on it. If you want to see my "guide" though you can check it out at http://howtofail-ja.tumblr.com/

I know a lot of people go through similar and worse situations and have even stronger ties to stay but I just want to let someone who is seeing the early signs of an abusive relationship to let go while you can. Never rush into a relationship because you want love. take the time to know who the person really is before you commit to a life together with them. I know a lot of people won't be as strong as I am or won't be able to get out- It is for the rest of us to help those people.

What are your thoughts on what a relationship should have? Sound off in the comments!