I was happy with my life at school because I didn't have to think about the problems at home and I came home one day after months of being away and immediately reality hit. My mother's bills were piling up and she couldn't pay them, we had to sell a bunch of stuff that we owned to get things cleared up or at least to a point where the bill collectors wouldn't pursue legal actions and I felt really angry, really sad and really resentful. So I wrote this and in the end I felt better I felt like I knew what I needed to do.
Sometimes its good to verbalize or write down how you are feeling. You learn how to channel your thoughts into productivity over time and at the very least you stop replaying the thing causing the anger over and over in your head. Its out and you can start learning how to deal with it. I was sad, but after writing this down i felt focused and enlightened. This is my entry:
I had a horrible realization today. As much as I want to keep it up, I can’t remain in my fantasy. My ideal life is not my own. Its time I stop living in a dream and face what my life is. A dusty dry road of poverty struggles and hopes to be fulfilled. I ran from that I ran from the realization being away at school. I’m upset coming home to realize that it’s still here waiting on me and I couldn’t before this evening figure out why it was. Well it’s still here because this is what my life really is.
I’m not rich, I’m not even ok. My parents are divorced, my mom holds an extremely low income job, I’m in university, struggling my way through, there will never be anyone to bail me out if I hit trouble, and there is no one there to hand me anything when I get out. I get it. My life is not the one I lead.
I think an integral part of growing up, is being aware of the situation you are in and to handle it rationally, with open eyes and a clear focused mind. Rather than being carefree and making poor judgments one needs to be cognizant of the impact it will have.
I’ve never been a selfish person but maybe it’s time to be. Maybe it’s time to start doing what’s good for me. I’ve raised myself on this rock star mentality, where I’d just live my life and not care about the consequences but when you really think about it, it makes absolutely no sense. Especially when you’re broke and your only way out is through cutting throat to get on top. Unfortunately it seems I need to become the person I hate and dread to live anything remotely close to the life I want to live. And all for what?
Cause when you really think about it, what is a life of not caring, of not having a little drama, of not having to worry? What is life without a few tests and temptations, without a little strife?
Life is miserable when you have nothing or no one to care for.
So this is me changing. I accept it. I accept that I am poor, I accept that I am sheltered, I accept that I will never be handed what I want, I accept that sometimes I have to stand up for myself; That I can’t ask mommy for everything. I accept that I need to grow up. I know that the life in my head is not my reality. I accept that. I accept my reality. This is my first step in living in it.
Wish me luck. Sigh…
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