Enlightenment.

This is another page from My diary,written sometime in 2012.

I was happy with my life at school because I didn't have to think about the problems at home and I came home one day after months of being away and immediately reality hit. My mother's bills were piling up and she couldn't pay them, we had to sell a bunch of stuff that we owned to get things cleared up or at least to a point where the bill collectors wouldn't pursue legal actions and I felt really angry, really sad and really resentful. So I wrote this and in the end I felt better I felt like I knew what I needed to do.

Sometimes its good to verbalize or write down how you are feeling. You learn how to channel your thoughts into productivity over time and at the very least you stop replaying the thing causing the anger over and over in your head. Its out and you can start learning how to deal with it. I was sad, but after writing this down i felt focused and enlightened. This is my entry:

I had a horrible realization today. As much as I want to keep it up, I can’t remain in my fantasy. My ideal life is not my own. Its time I stop living in a dream and face what my life is. A dusty dry road of poverty struggles and hopes to be fulfilled. I ran from that I ran from the realization being away at school. I’m upset coming home to realize that it’s still here waiting on me and I couldn’t before this evening figure out why it was. Well it’s still here because this is what my life really is.

I’m not rich, I’m not even ok. My parents are divorced, my mom holds an extremely low income job, I’m in university, struggling my way through, there will never be anyone to bail me out if I hit trouble, and there is no one there to hand me anything when I get out. I get it. My life is not the one I lead.

I think an integral part of growing up, is being aware of the situation you are in and to handle it rationally, with open eyes and a clear focused mind. Rather than being carefree and making poor judgments one needs to be cognizant of the impact it will have.

I’ve never been a selfish person but maybe it’s time to be. Maybe it’s time to start doing what’s good for me. I’ve raised myself on this rock star mentality, where I’d just live my life and not care about the consequences but when you really think about it, it makes absolutely no sense. Especially when you’re broke and your only way out is through cutting throat to get on top. Unfortunately it seems I need to become the person I hate and dread to live anything remotely close to the life I want to live. And all for what?

Cause when you really think about it, what is a life of not caring, of not having a little drama, of not having to worry? What is life without a few tests and temptations, without a little strife?
Life is miserable when you have nothing or no one to care for.

So this is me changing. I accept it. I accept that I am poor, I accept that I am sheltered, I accept that I will never be handed what I want, I accept that sometimes I have to stand up for myself; That I can’t ask mommy for everything. I accept that I need to grow up. I know that the life in my head is not my reality. I accept that. I accept my reality. This is my first step in living in it.

Wish me luck. Sigh…

Being Humble

Overcoming

A frriend just shared thison her Facebook with the caption:

SO INSPIRATIONAL: IF YOU ARE MARKED FOR SUCCESS, pitfalls CANNOT stop you!!!!

Thought I'd share:

On my 15th birthday, I got pregnant after a forced sexual encounter by a friend of a relative. He was gone after that. I went on to be named most likely to succeed in high school and graduate number 8 in my class of 300. I earned a scholarship to college, moved away from my family with my son and graduated with honors and was named Miss University of Memphis. I earned an honors MBA as well, and my son was often in class with me when I couldn't find a babysitter. I have a great career and have not been financially supported by welfare or my parents. Three years ago I wrote my memoir, Life After Birth: A Memoir of Survival and Success as a Teenage Mother, to encourage other teen moms and to help prevent teen pregnancy. Last week, I left my wonderful corporate job to pursue the business I started as a result of numerous requests to share my story. My business S.O. What! teaches people (not just teen moms) to eliminate excuses from their lives and achieve success no matter what obstacles they may face. www.SummerOwens.com. It is wonderful using my life's pains and victories to change the lives of others. The picture below is SO special to me. When I graduated from high school, I had a two year old son on my hip. He graduated with me. Two weeks ago, he graduated and, as his 34 year old mom, I graduated with him too.

MY JOY!

Never let anyone take your joy-that's what my new dad keeps saying to me. I say new dad because we met for the first time last year and since then he has been nothing but a blessing in the father figure role for me and my sister. No he is not dating my mother but he is an excellent rle model for me. Its sad I didn't have him in my life for much longer. But anywho! he always chants tw things to me and this is one of them

Never let anyone take your joy

What he means really is don't let people discourage you, don't let what they say hurt you. You are the only person who can control your happiness and you are the only person who should.

So what's my joy now? Believe it or not its business! I have been mulling over a ton of business ideas in my mind for a while and they make me happy thinking about the success of each of them. I'm excited.

The foremost one to realization is my carnival group for UWI Mona carnival. I have worked theories over and over in my mind and am anxious to test them out. You can see a lot on my band by clicking these links:

http://kaoscarnival.tumblr.com/
https://www.facebook.com/KAOSCarnival


I also started a Costuming company HAUTE CARNAVAL

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Haute-Carnaval/454146211277205

Keeping the last more private for now though as I get my legs under me for that business. Yeh!
Despite all I face my challenges are to overcome self fear and doubt. to be confident despite where and if I falter and never let anyone quench my dream from me and nether should you..

What is your joy? leave a comment with your passion and any possible links to a website or activity page for it below!

How to Fail

So a few of my last posts showed I was really conflicted about love and what not and I had started a relationship with some one who was absolutely horrible for me. He tested my nerve every chance he got, started up arguments with me and then laughed when I got angry, caused to be in such a sad emotional state that I didn't have the strength to stand up and leave him. I found myself saying I love you and I never want to leave you despite the verbal abuse- we got into another argument once and he hit me! The worst part of that was, not that he hit me despite saying he never would, but that I WAS THE ONE WHO SAID I'M SORRY! He started the conversation, he took the deliberate decision to hit me and I was the one who felt sorry.

We parted for a few days and I had time to think. I knew deep down that I deserved more but was so broken emotionally that I couldn't stand on my own two feet-I felt I needed this relationship. I realised in those few days away from him that no matter how strongly I felt for him, I needed to get out. I resolved then to be peaceful to see what he would do if I didn't get angry, that since I was feeling guilty for causing the argument I'd remain calm. When we met up, he did tons of things to get me upset or provoked, but no matter what he did I remained calm, joked about it and never showed and inkling of even annoyance. He drove himself to rage that evening and when he realized I wasn't responding! He raised his hand in public to strike me again. I realised what was going on and held him back. I fought with him, screamed at the top of my lungs, gritted my teeth and let the anguish flow out of my tears and prayed over and over in my mind that someone would come quickly to help me. A lady came right up to him and asked what's going on. When he realised people had begun to gather he hugged me and said "she was stressed out at school and its getting to her.

I had an awakening! A lightning bolt hit my brain- how can someone be so EVIL! I screamed at him saying he's a liar and he was trying to hit me and grabbed my bag and ran. I didn't talk to anyone that day. He caught up to me and walked by me saying threatening things, cursing at me and feigning to punch me. I walked straight with my head hung, crying. He pushed me down in the road, grabbed my book bag and banged me into walls. I cried and I walked home. I did not react. I just picked myself up and kept walking. I needed to remain calm and I needed to cry. Not because I was angry or in disbelief, not because I was or felt sorry for myself. I cried because I needed to get my tears out of the way of what was to come next-I needed to let go of all my emotions.

When I got to the house I was as cold as the pits of an iceberg. I gathered his things neatly, we took a cab together to his house. I got my things together there and I left him. He tried t stall me by not calling the taxi as I had asked him, hiding my things an opening my bag. All the while he begged and pleaded wth me to forgive him for the days events, told me he was afraid to love me that's why he acted that way I listened to all he was saying as he was trying to invoke my emotions. I felt no emotion, no tragedy no hope and no care for his words. If my eyes could've changed colour to meet how i felt on the inside they would've been pitch black. I left him and I never looked back. I started a tumblr blog called How to fail which was essentially chronicling all I did wrong and and in hindsight what I should've done- I did it in a form of "what-not-to-do" guide for other people. I had a good following but as I rebuilt myself I needed it less and less. Now I almost never post on it. If you want to see my "guide" though you can check it out at http://howtofail-ja.tumblr.com/

I know a lot of people go through similar and worse situations and have even stronger ties to stay but I just want to let someone who is seeing the early signs of an abusive relationship to let go while you can. Never rush into a relationship because you want love. take the time to know who the person really is before you commit to a life together with them. I know a lot of people won't be as strong as I am or won't be able to get out- It is for the rest of us to help those people.

What are your thoughts on what a relationship should have? Sound off in the comments!

A new beginning-Welcome party anyone?

Hello my beautiful blog!

I literally haven't been on here in years! Since 2011 to be exact. Since then I have found my calling in art, met and fallen in love with a wonderful man, finished my law degree and started law school and started my own enterprise in the form of a carnival band at UWI carnival. I read through some of my previous posts and realized how sad and lost I was during that time. I was definitely trying to figure out who I wanted to be, what was love for me and what it all meant in my life. Now, I haven't exactly figured it all out but I feel more secure in myself and who I am and want to be. Maybe its age, maybe its maturity but I definitely needed the time to grow.

So what's been going on with me? Tons! For one thing I started three tumblr blogs and a personal journal. I will post the next few days from each just to give a recap of the last couple years. Why come back now you ask? Well I learned recently that the business world is not as easy as I thought it was. that in today's society having a self brand is just as important as having a business brand. That if you want to succeed in your field you have to do as much self promotion as you do promotion of your business. So instead of being a crazy this is my life of lost love and struggles I think I want to document here how I'm growing personally and what I am doing to better brand myself. Whether its law or creative media I want to become an authority on it. That is my goal for the next few years-Success.

People today are opening the Greatest Secret or looking at all sorts of self motivation books to push themselves to motivate themselves, to figure out what they need to do to make more money and be successful. The simple reality of it all is that people have phased into a higher consciousness of social reality-Believing is all you need to achieve. Believing in oneself is the first step at attaining one's goals-BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN HAVE IT! A lot of our restrictions in life are mental- there is ALWAYS a way to achieve we just have to want it. I don't mean want it, but at the same time particularize why we can't have it. I mean want it and despite all odds and obstacles take it. I think being self motivated is a big part of self branding-one might fear what comes from putting oneself out there to be viewed publicly; what if I don't do it right? What if they say mean things? I won't succeed because I don't have a degree for it. All of that is the reason why more of us stay sad and drab in our little crappy situations. Because we focus on the negativity- what if people love you? So what if you Don't have a degree neither did Einstein, Beethoven or Worhol. We should never limit ourselves just because we look out at other people's way of achieving and don't think we can do it the way they did, or because some one tells you you can't.

I'm reminded of Les Brown, the motivational speaker whose life took a 180 degree spin when he was in high school. He had a twin brother who was very smart. He on the other hand was tested and labelled very early on in life as Mentally retarded- he believe that he was to the core because everyone told him he was. After school one day he went to his brother's class to meet with someone and his brother's teacher called on him to write something on the board. He hesitated and the teacher asked him to hurry up, he finally answered "I can't". When the teacher asked him "why not?" he responded saying he was n the special education class. The teacher either didn't understand or didn't care and asked him to come and write on the board again. Les hung his head and other persons in the class started laughing telling the teacher that, the teacher was mistaking Les for his brother the smart twin that he was DT. The teacher looked at Les and asked what DT meant. Les answered it means DUMB TWIN!. The teacher shushed every one grabbed Les by the arm and said "DON'T EVER SAY THAT AGAIN. SOMEONE'S OPINION OF YOU DOESN'T HAVE TO BECOME YOUR REALITY!"

Hearing that helped me out of a glum situation recently because it made me realize I define who I am. If I accept the negativity that someone says I am then I become that because I believe myself to be. Whereas, on the other hand, if I decide to be who I set out to be despite the same negativity someone says I am, I will be what I want to be despite them.

Our only restrictions from success are our own mental blocks- not society's, not the schools's, not our employer's or our parents' or anyone else! Once you can grasp that epiphany then you have accomplished the first step to success I know this mind block is a big big task to face for a lot of people. You will always have doubts, but belief is what will keep you going. Believe you can and you shall. If you belief you must have it, it will come to you and if you work in the belief that you will get it-it will come even sooner.

Success is no longer far in the distance its right in front of you, all you have to do is not be afraid to take it.

So yeah my road to success, self motivating myself a chronicle of my aspirations and achievements- that's what I am doing with this blog. Hope you stay with me. :)

New Ideas.

So I know alot of people are probably blogging about this trend right now but I wanna put my two cents on it as well. What is it?

Fascinators

Fascinators are traditional headdresses mostly worn by young women instead of a full on brimmed hat. They were made from lace and embellishments in the 1800s and largely went out of style in the 1960s to 1990s they are being resurrected now as a statement piece and being worn by some of the most influential member of Pop culture such as Lady gaga, Nicki Minaj and even the newly wedded Princess Kate. Actually it was the royal wedding that sparked such a flame in this trend.

In the past few years, designers and trendy people had been resurrecting the 1920s and 30s ideas of head bands with feathers and toule as an accessory. I admit they are adorable. It wasnt until this year that an absolute outburst of fascinators came to be a trend in America. Here are some examples.









Modern Fascinators are made from ribbons feathers and toule all put together in some geometric shape that all comes out absolutly astonishing. While these pics aboove arent the most eccentiric, believe me when I say they can get that way.

So being the creative mind I am i decide. I'm not going to even try to figure out how much one of these will cost. Instead I'm going to make one my self. I found this great DIY vid of how to do it as well.




So when I get it done I will let you see!

Wish me luck!!!

Where was I...?

....when the rockets came to life...and carried you away..into the alligator sky...

These are lyrics from Owl City's latest single "Alligator Sky". The music now a days is really light-hearted and care-free, fun or mischievous. Few people still sing about feelings and emotions and the hard times we are facing. I don't know about anyone else but I appreciate it. In this life, today's life, no one really wants to hear about how much turmoil we are in. We already hear it from our friends, managers, teachers, pastors, political leaders, etc. and honestly it puts a weight on us. We really don't want to hear much more of it.

Music for me, and for a lot of other people, is a method of escape. It evokes emotions where there was none previously. It soothes harsh wounds, It comforts and it allows you to express your feelings. Music Brings us together and it tears us apart.
Music creates a new world for me.

Some people can't understand how other people react to random beats with no clear rhythm. All I have to say to them is sit and listen.

Not sure why Music does this though. I heard one of my friends reason that Lucifer was really good at music as an angel and uses it to this day to evoke the emotions he wants in people. Maybe that's a good reason why the majority of music is lead by hate, sex, carefree-ness and other emotions that humans probably shouldn't live by. Whatever the case is I enjoy music and I appreciate it. Let me hear from you. What's your favourite kind of music and why???

Tonight I'm loving you....

Other than being a popular Enrique Igleias song it's also the story of my life!

Men are funny creatures; able to be completely predictable as well as completely spontaneous. So you think you are heading in a certain direction, and then the bastard pulls a u-turn on you. What do you do next? Well don't look at me 'cause I have no clue either!

I guess you continue your journey, switching lanes to something else. It's all just exhausting so I'd just rather not part-take in it right now. Instead, I'll find a guy I like enough to go out with and screw 'em....yup i said it, screw 'em. Most men in my age bracket and locale just wanna have you, screw you and run anyway. So why bother holding on?

One day this will all be resolved but until then I'll just hold my corner and work on my other life goals.

See yah!!!

Just a day, just an ordinary day

The timeless Vanessa Carlton song rings in my head even now. Not sure why but today feels especially bland. I haven't heard from my special someone in days. His phone isn't working or so he says and he isn't online....hmm....I guess when you don't wanna talk to someone u really dont!

Just a boy just an ordinary boy but he was looking to the sky and as he asked if i would come along I started to realise that evreyday he finds what he's looking for...

It seems ironic that people who are selfish and egotistic and otherwise unlovable , always get what they want, while the rest of us just have to live with bad luck and accept it. Or do we? I'm over the defeatist mentality. It's time to make my own good luck.

LOVE, O the Irony...

Love is a strong, beautiful, amazing, demeaning feeling. Weid definition I know. Love will make you do strange things; overlook idocity, lower your standards, make you put up with foolishnness and take all kinds of bullshit. All in the name of LOVE.

I've given my fare share of love, and taken more than that of dumb-fuckery. I'm tired of it. A friend of mine once said that Happiness, just like any other emotion, is a state of mind, you can't find happiness, you make it for yourself. I believe its the same with love. YOU make love, Its not something that just drops out the sky like a meteor and takes over your life. Love is attraction + a massive yearn for companionship. And until I'm proven wrong this will be my honest belief. I love art, life and myself. I'm done playing games and I'm over all the hatred. If a relationship can't make you happy then it's not worth the effort. Love is supposed to be easy, if it aignt well it's probably not love. If it causes more pain than happiness then Its definately not love. Thats my take on it though....

What do you think?

Sigh

I thought i could live my life making everyone happy, pathetic I know. Well since i manage to dissappoint everyone and make my own self miserable. It makes sense i not live. Yeh well i'm not that week and even though that is what i'm thinking, I now know i need to tell the world to fuck off, that what ever I do to be happy is my own doing, and they can kiss my ass if they don't like it.

So to a Law degree...Cheers!

It might not make me happy but atleast it'll make me feel like I conquered something. Stabbed it to death if you will. No one will ever make me feel this way again.

So much changes...yet little is new...

Hello my blog world.

So obviously I haven't been on here in a few months. My last thoughts were on exams. It turns out I failed a good many of them: 3 of 5. Sad.

But that's the past and so is the last 5 months. Summer was a good experience, hard work in an amazing world. Glad that's over!!! I made great friends and a honest love and this summer will impact me forever. For one it has made me want to be a better lawyer, 2 it made me realize how much of a people person I am, 3 it made me realize all of the things I am capable of doing, with ease at that. So yeah I might have failed at bringing home a ton load of cash but I definitely brought home the will power to be a better person.

I am back in school now, have been for about 2 or 3 weeks now, so far, so really, really good. I fallen hard on my face though in the social world, but I figure its a good thing, God knows best.Staying grounded is hard work, but I seem to have it down good so far. I am growing up and moving on, that's how it should be.

This my second year of school will be good!!!

I feel like Ive gone through a world of changes. The only thing is that the circumstances have remained the same. I guess the only thing that really changes is how I deal with these circumstances. I'm not worrying about it though. I'll get it right eventually.

LONGEST WEEK EVER!!!!!!!

I don't know if it's cause I'm so excited but gosh It is taking forever to get to Sunday. FYI that's when the adventure begins!!!

So far I've come home on Sunday, spend the day at home Monday and Tuesday, gone to my Grma's house today....aaaand....that's it!
This week has been awfully drawn out....yeesh!!!

OMG! Top Model ends this week....VAMPIRE DIARIES ENDS THIS WEEK!!!!
The pilot that wouldn't end has finally found one. You know they absolutely broke all the rules for this series. First of all what kinda kick-ass show is named VAMPIRE DIARIES...sounds like a book written by some love struck teenager that has Fabio on the cover (which funny enough that describes the Twilight book...minus the teenager part). The show turned out really good though!!! Like, it made the biggest critic in the word ( me not Simon Cowell) absolutely LOVE IT!!!! Secondly It has over 20 EPISODES IN ITS FIRST SEASON!!! WHO ELSE DOES THAT!

Honestly I think they're only ending the series because HBO needs their writers back for True Blood (just kidding, but seriously the True Blood Season 3 is about to start, June 13 to be exact....People need time to recuperate!!!) Yeah....that's totally the reason....@_@

Onto other news,
Well I don't have any! I give up on men I really do. I'm not gonna vent and get pissed off over them anymore. I just gonna keep my distance. Do what stephan does, the moment you realize their intentions, RUN AWAY!!!! ( no he doesn't do that, but that is what I'm gonna do!!!) Hmm...yeah....either that or become a lesbian....=S (highly unlikely)

So anyway, now waiting for the end of this week to go back home and drown myself in my favorite shows. Trueby forever!

Summer here I come!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So my last exam was today and boy was it a doosie(however that word spell, its good to take the American approach sometimes and spell it like it sounds, lol)

Anyway....

I am ready to kick off my Summer, I have work, I have travel, I will get money, yay!! I can't wait.

I have a huge flipping problem. ALL my friends from class are going to Barbados, on the Cave Hill Law program, sucks....even my bestie westie from the nestie, Stephan, is going (God I hope he doesn't see that, lol)

So I have time to really buckle down, I guess. I gonna miss him so much but I guess it's for the best. Once again I feel like I'm not good enough to get into the Barbados program, I dunno, so it goes I guess. I asked for God not to send me to Barbados and he made a way for me to stay in Jamaica and I couldn't be happier. There was a virtual tour of the new faculty building today and my,my was it gorgeous. I can't wait to move in September!!!

Despite all the trials that this year put me through, I think I'll be able to manage on my own. I have been through boy drama after boy drama, family drama after family drama, health issue after health issue. Lord knows, I have survived this year...there's nothing else that can stop me. I still question whether or not law is for me but I know I'll figure it out. I loved Constitutional Law this semester and I absolutely wished that there were more courses like it. It's so interesting the statues and how they are drafted and their origins and blah blah....maybe I'm hyping it up too much, but I loved it.

sigh
Law was a real doosie. I dunno if it was because of all the other stuff going on around me or if it was all the stuff I wanted socially but geese yow, LAW was a bitch to me this year. I know it only gets harder but as my RA and friend Lacey said to me last night,

the best expectation is no expectation

I expected this year to be hard and it was hard. I expect next year to be better and it shall be so. I not making no other expectations for it (out of sheer fear that they will come through too) lol.

Honestly I'm excited for the second year. I have already vowed that I will spend my 8 hours a day studying, party once a month and keep clubs and university activities to at least for UWI, three for hall, and three for cluster. Just enough to get back room, lol. (i'm joking of course) I'm almost certain to end up doing more than I should. I wanna take on the REX band this year, I'm doing Little Black Dress, and I'm doing Art and Decor club. I'm doing MS. UWI definitely and I wanna get back into photography.

Three things I defiantly have to buy from my summer money:
1. a $1000 Nikon, top of the line and only the best that Nikon has to offer....sorry I'm jus not a Cannon person...:P

2. either an airbrush kit or a 180 palette....very small item but i want it!!!

3. gym membership (lol) I neeeeed to get in shape. Cyan mek di body pop dung man. lol but seriously. I have this image of me for next semester and I intend on reaching there physically and mentally.....actually I didn't remember wat the third thing was supposed to be so I just wrote this but its a good thing to add don't you think?!!!

So to the old year, the old me, I say by. Time to make way for summer, for revamping, for renewal, for finding myself and my way, for laying my path and for beginning the rest of my life. :D

SORRY!

So I missed a few days, sue me!....it's been a rough week indeed...My first exam was Monday the 26th...ugh....Criminal Law was a soulless cold vampiric bitch...on STEROIDS!!! So I'm sure I failed that one miserably. Then came Tort on Friday. I did OK don't think I aced it but I defiantly got a C...maybe C+, So it go, this year doesn't count for graduation. I'm happy. I'm sure next year I'll work it out and come again and do well. I hate Law I don't even know why I trying this hard...(O yeah US$10,000 IE $900,000JA in tuition) -sigh-

So it goes I guess, we never really do what we really want until it's too late to do it

...kmt

So I hear that UK is in debt...What I always wondered is if a country borrows from another and so on, and all of those countries that have been borrowed from say that they are in debt. Where did all the money borrowed go?! I wonder how this works. I mean, they surely aren't burying it! So where is it? IDK

I finally got my hands on Eric Jerome Dikey's "Waking with Enemies", which is the sequel to his "Sleeping with Strangers" cant wait to get into it!

Idk nothing exciting to talk about...I finished catching up on the Vampire Diaries, I watched the movie COCO CHANEL, who is by the way, my idle, she took every failure and made it a success. I love that. I wish I could do that...kmt

Boys are troubled. I think I'm gna rehab from them for a while....all of them...even you Stephan. -sigh- I hate men

until next time....

Do you want the GOOD NEWS OR BAD???

I had a great day today.

Bad News:
I completley flopped at my interview. I couldn't remember anything. I was unprepared. I could not answer the questions for the life of me!!!

But i was excited all day and when I came out I was alright. I knew I hadn't gotten the job and I was fine, surprisingly. I didn't feel like a bum. I knew I didn't get it and, frankly, I was OK.

Good News:
I got my J1 Visa!!!!
So now I can work all summer in the Beautiful Grand Tetons National Park. Aaah! That is absolutely better than anything.
After the visa interview, I walked to the bus stop with a group of girls from my placement agency, and one girl in the group, which was very loud and expressive, kept preaching her love for God and thanking him and I really felt bad because I knew I'd been forsaking him all this time. I mean I have absolutely spat in his face repeatedly and he still was blessing me. Well no more. My heart, my body, my soul is officially God's and I will do nothing but worship his glory and refuse temptations.

O geese lemme tell you about the temptations! My flat is very lively and very proud and I'm happy i have a good relationship with them but (excuse the patois)jah know star, sum ah dem ah get pon mi nerves!!!
I wont say what happened but I will just vent here. If it wasn't for this promise to myself I made today, I would've probably killed some one. Thank you Jesus for your love. :D

Well that's it for today. Maybe tomorrow will be more interesting :D. My exams start Monday and I haven't reached anywhere with studying for that. I jus pray I can get it all done in time. But by God's grace I can!!!

Later blog world!

D-DAY

dum dum duuuuuum!!!!

LoL
Today is the day I find out what it's like to be interviewed by my peers. The interview for PRO is today. I am not exactly sure how I feel, a bit excited a bit nervous.....actually not at all nervous. I am funnily a lot excited! I can't wait! I should feel a little nervous knowing y situation but I am confident in my abilities to get the job done before the semester is up. and get good grades as well.

Today is the day for voting for the Hall's executive body and its a bit nerve racking to see my friends scramble the way they are to get as much people, to not only vote, but to vote for them. I think I am happily relieved that I will not have to do that.

O yeah, i find out that Charlene doesn't have a writ against me.....Hallelujah! so that's one nail out of the coffin. This summer program however, might be a very big nail. But I just need to make them stern of the fact that, My tuition isn't chicken feed!!! I can practically run a business for a good amount of time on my tuition for a semester. And though i am getting scholarships and have been applying for more. I really have to make sure that all options are esponged to make sure I stay in school. So if i have to go abroad and work and it coasts me the position of Hall PRO, I guess I'll just have to let it go.

But in brighter news, I am absolutely exhausted (I don't know how that becomes brighter news, but whatever) My stomach woke me up this morning at 6am growling for food. I haven't been eating and I didn't even realize. University life is not conducive to good health, I am absolutely convinced of that. I have to fight to make sure that I eat, drink enough, SLEEP!(well my body shuts down when its tired so I don't think sleep is a problem) actually I sleep too much! MY body is desperately trying to regain its energy and I don't know what to do to help it. Sigh. My main resolution was to turn my health around but honestly my health was much better last semester. Now I am exhausted all the time, I feel stressed. It's better I didn't even try to turn my health around, humph! Anyhow....I'm gonna study so until tomorrow my blog...PEACE!

Scared Of Lonely

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hyOMQM31yMo

So I'm listening to this song yesterday and i say to my friend and Resident Advisor on Hall, Lacey, that this song is so true about me.....sigh......I am honestly afraid of being alone.

When i look back on it I spend as much time away from my room just to ensure that i cant hear the quiet. In truth and fact i only go to my room to sleep....=/

The sad thing about it is, I have no clue where this fear and self-doubt is coming from. I mean at one point you couldn't find a stronger leader than me. I was talking to my other RA, Shinique, because I am running for Hall PRO and 1 of her friends was their and he was just questioning whether I could take on the responsibility of PRO knowing that I wouldn't be here in the summer. My response to him was yeah i could, through teleconferencing, emails and telephone calls. But he was convinced the job couldn't be done in that manner. so i start feeling down and questioning really why should i do this if i cant be here for that vital time in the summer. I felt so unassured and Shinique looked at me, after some talking, and said, "if Onella don't believe in Onella, then why should Shinique?" and it was so true! I mean if ever there is a person who needs to believe in someone it should be that same someone. A friend of mine, Robert, he is visually impaired and has a worsening condition. I spoke with him today and he said the same thing to me. He's running for Deputy Cultural and Entertainment Affairs Chairman and he said, he has to self motivate himself cause with the condition he has him know if him let himself fall victim to it him going to live an unfulfilled life. He wants to push to do better and be better because he knows he is just as good as anyone, despite his visual impediment.

I really appreciate his enthusiasm for the job and all friends aside I am going to vote for him, because I believe in everything there must be determination first and he is determined to be an excellent deputy CEAC and i support him on that. I doubt he will win but that's one more, vote right? I pray he does though.

But back to my woe of being lonely. I think i need to spend some alone time....sometime to just see the walls around me and listen to silence and just be alone. The problem is I am so afraid when I am alone, I have to much to think about and too much to remember and i don't want to go into any darkness that I've been through to go back to that depressive state I've been in. The sad truth is when I'm alone i tend to get depressed easier and just fall back into that evil place again. So my question is....Is it really so bad to not want to stay alone? I guess it is when you fill you company with sexually thirsty men who just wanna sleep with you. But when it comes to constantly needing to feel loved...I think this fear of loneliness has a part to play in it as well...

Maybe I really am screwed up.

I know what i have to do. I have to listen to the silence. Overcome the fear. I have to learn to be alone and not yearn for company, for companionship. I think when I learn to do that then I'll be ready for a new relationship. When it comes to my self doubt I have to learn to respect myself to think things through and develop a conscious course of action for my responsibilities. When i have to make a choice i stand behind my choice. When i have an opinion I need to listen to criticisms and not be defensive. Thee debates for executive positions on hall were held the other night and i saw where an aggravated criticism completely ruined the course of a candidate just because she got angry. I can get angry. My Lecturer Dr. McCoy always says never be defensive should someone criticize your words, they are just words and they can be changed. I think I should put that sort of thinking to my ideas. If there is a genuine problem about my work that someone realizes and says to me, no matter what manner they say it in, I should take the criticism and see that it's just an idea, not a concrete house; immovable and permanent.

I feel better now. I know what i must do to handle the PRO situation. I will start working on it immediately.

Wish me luck. ^_^

Epiphany?

So I'm at my friend Andre's house and I'm flipping through the channels trying to find something to watch and I stop on this movie, it was nothing special but something made me stop. I have no idea what it was called but it is essentially about this young woman who used cooking as a way of getting away from her problems and she blogged about what meal she had tried everyday. It came to a point in the movie where her mom asks her why does this....i.e. blog...and she told her mom that blogging is like therapy, its that AA meeting that you can make it to anytime, It gives you something to do everyday.

Before this whole thing i thought that blogging was.....as that TWX commercial put it...a way of putting down your ideals...who would care if anyone saw it. The point of it all was to give yourself that mental release you needed...I like having a blog...I feel like I can tell you anything, scream absolutely from the top of my lungs and unless someone is looking...no one would hear. As the woman in that movie put it it's that AA meeting...but it's that meeting without that critical stare or those judgmental back thoughts of the other people or the pity from other persons in similar situations. Yes I'm depressed and i have lots of mental problems that i don't wanna talk about and blogging is that therapist without the snotty suit, "tranquil" office or high cost. I like this....I'll do it more often.

I scanned a few other blogs on this site and I realized that all of them are geared in one direction. Themed, if you prefer. I wonder if I should make this blog themed? I really don't like the idea because there are days, like these, where I'll feel like going off on a tangent and it would not be connected to the previous or next post at all. I did dedicate this blog to just ranting about art and fashion and what ever I feel like at the time I'm typing, but I think I need to narrow it a bit more....What do you think???

Eh....I like my blog as is. Well....This is the rest of my life, Blogging everyday, atleast once a day and screaming it down on the world for no one to hear. :)