Enlightenment.

This is another page from My diary,written sometime in 2012.

I was happy with my life at school because I didn't have to think about the problems at home and I came home one day after months of being away and immediately reality hit. My mother's bills were piling up and she couldn't pay them, we had to sell a bunch of stuff that we owned to get things cleared up or at least to a point where the bill collectors wouldn't pursue legal actions and I felt really angry, really sad and really resentful. So I wrote this and in the end I felt better I felt like I knew what I needed to do.

Sometimes its good to verbalize or write down how you are feeling. You learn how to channel your thoughts into productivity over time and at the very least you stop replaying the thing causing the anger over and over in your head. Its out and you can start learning how to deal with it. I was sad, but after writing this down i felt focused and enlightened. This is my entry:

I had a horrible realization today. As much as I want to keep it up, I can’t remain in my fantasy. My ideal life is not my own. Its time I stop living in a dream and face what my life is. A dusty dry road of poverty struggles and hopes to be fulfilled. I ran from that I ran from the realization being away at school. I’m upset coming home to realize that it’s still here waiting on me and I couldn’t before this evening figure out why it was. Well it’s still here because this is what my life really is.

I’m not rich, I’m not even ok. My parents are divorced, my mom holds an extremely low income job, I’m in university, struggling my way through, there will never be anyone to bail me out if I hit trouble, and there is no one there to hand me anything when I get out. I get it. My life is not the one I lead.

I think an integral part of growing up, is being aware of the situation you are in and to handle it rationally, with open eyes and a clear focused mind. Rather than being carefree and making poor judgments one needs to be cognizant of the impact it will have.

I’ve never been a selfish person but maybe it’s time to be. Maybe it’s time to start doing what’s good for me. I’ve raised myself on this rock star mentality, where I’d just live my life and not care about the consequences but when you really think about it, it makes absolutely no sense. Especially when you’re broke and your only way out is through cutting throat to get on top. Unfortunately it seems I need to become the person I hate and dread to live anything remotely close to the life I want to live. And all for what?

Cause when you really think about it, what is a life of not caring, of not having a little drama, of not having to worry? What is life without a few tests and temptations, without a little strife?
Life is miserable when you have nothing or no one to care for.

So this is me changing. I accept it. I accept that I am poor, I accept that I am sheltered, I accept that I will never be handed what I want, I accept that sometimes I have to stand up for myself; That I can’t ask mommy for everything. I accept that I need to grow up. I know that the life in my head is not my reality. I accept that. I accept my reality. This is my first step in living in it.

Wish me luck. Sigh…

Being Humble

Overcoming

A frriend just shared thison her Facebook with the caption:

SO INSPIRATIONAL: IF YOU ARE MARKED FOR SUCCESS, pitfalls CANNOT stop you!!!!

Thought I'd share:

On my 15th birthday, I got pregnant after a forced sexual encounter by a friend of a relative. He was gone after that. I went on to be named most likely to succeed in high school and graduate number 8 in my class of 300. I earned a scholarship to college, moved away from my family with my son and graduated with honors and was named Miss University of Memphis. I earned an honors MBA as well, and my son was often in class with me when I couldn't find a babysitter. I have a great career and have not been financially supported by welfare or my parents. Three years ago I wrote my memoir, Life After Birth: A Memoir of Survival and Success as a Teenage Mother, to encourage other teen moms and to help prevent teen pregnancy. Last week, I left my wonderful corporate job to pursue the business I started as a result of numerous requests to share my story. My business S.O. What! teaches people (not just teen moms) to eliminate excuses from their lives and achieve success no matter what obstacles they may face. www.SummerOwens.com. It is wonderful using my life's pains and victories to change the lives of others. The picture below is SO special to me. When I graduated from high school, I had a two year old son on my hip. He graduated with me. Two weeks ago, he graduated and, as his 34 year old mom, I graduated with him too.

MY JOY!

Never let anyone take your joy-that's what my new dad keeps saying to me. I say new dad because we met for the first time last year and since then he has been nothing but a blessing in the father figure role for me and my sister. No he is not dating my mother but he is an excellent rle model for me. Its sad I didn't have him in my life for much longer. But anywho! he always chants tw things to me and this is one of them

Never let anyone take your joy

What he means really is don't let people discourage you, don't let what they say hurt you. You are the only person who can control your happiness and you are the only person who should.

So what's my joy now? Believe it or not its business! I have been mulling over a ton of business ideas in my mind for a while and they make me happy thinking about the success of each of them. I'm excited.

The foremost one to realization is my carnival group for UWI Mona carnival. I have worked theories over and over in my mind and am anxious to test them out. You can see a lot on my band by clicking these links:

http://kaoscarnival.tumblr.com/
https://www.facebook.com/KAOSCarnival


I also started a Costuming company HAUTE CARNAVAL

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Haute-Carnaval/454146211277205

Keeping the last more private for now though as I get my legs under me for that business. Yeh!
Despite all I face my challenges are to overcome self fear and doubt. to be confident despite where and if I falter and never let anyone quench my dream from me and nether should you..

What is your joy? leave a comment with your passion and any possible links to a website or activity page for it below!

How to Fail

So a few of my last posts showed I was really conflicted about love and what not and I had started a relationship with some one who was absolutely horrible for me. He tested my nerve every chance he got, started up arguments with me and then laughed when I got angry, caused to be in such a sad emotional state that I didn't have the strength to stand up and leave him. I found myself saying I love you and I never want to leave you despite the verbal abuse- we got into another argument once and he hit me! The worst part of that was, not that he hit me despite saying he never would, but that I WAS THE ONE WHO SAID I'M SORRY! He started the conversation, he took the deliberate decision to hit me and I was the one who felt sorry.

We parted for a few days and I had time to think. I knew deep down that I deserved more but was so broken emotionally that I couldn't stand on my own two feet-I felt I needed this relationship. I realised in those few days away from him that no matter how strongly I felt for him, I needed to get out. I resolved then to be peaceful to see what he would do if I didn't get angry, that since I was feeling guilty for causing the argument I'd remain calm. When we met up, he did tons of things to get me upset or provoked, but no matter what he did I remained calm, joked about it and never showed and inkling of even annoyance. He drove himself to rage that evening and when he realized I wasn't responding! He raised his hand in public to strike me again. I realised what was going on and held him back. I fought with him, screamed at the top of my lungs, gritted my teeth and let the anguish flow out of my tears and prayed over and over in my mind that someone would come quickly to help me. A lady came right up to him and asked what's going on. When he realised people had begun to gather he hugged me and said "she was stressed out at school and its getting to her.

I had an awakening! A lightning bolt hit my brain- how can someone be so EVIL! I screamed at him saying he's a liar and he was trying to hit me and grabbed my bag and ran. I didn't talk to anyone that day. He caught up to me and walked by me saying threatening things, cursing at me and feigning to punch me. I walked straight with my head hung, crying. He pushed me down in the road, grabbed my book bag and banged me into walls. I cried and I walked home. I did not react. I just picked myself up and kept walking. I needed to remain calm and I needed to cry. Not because I was angry or in disbelief, not because I was or felt sorry for myself. I cried because I needed to get my tears out of the way of what was to come next-I needed to let go of all my emotions.

When I got to the house I was as cold as the pits of an iceberg. I gathered his things neatly, we took a cab together to his house. I got my things together there and I left him. He tried t stall me by not calling the taxi as I had asked him, hiding my things an opening my bag. All the while he begged and pleaded wth me to forgive him for the days events, told me he was afraid to love me that's why he acted that way I listened to all he was saying as he was trying to invoke my emotions. I felt no emotion, no tragedy no hope and no care for his words. If my eyes could've changed colour to meet how i felt on the inside they would've been pitch black. I left him and I never looked back. I started a tumblr blog called How to fail which was essentially chronicling all I did wrong and and in hindsight what I should've done- I did it in a form of "what-not-to-do" guide for other people. I had a good following but as I rebuilt myself I needed it less and less. Now I almost never post on it. If you want to see my "guide" though you can check it out at http://howtofail-ja.tumblr.com/

I know a lot of people go through similar and worse situations and have even stronger ties to stay but I just want to let someone who is seeing the early signs of an abusive relationship to let go while you can. Never rush into a relationship because you want love. take the time to know who the person really is before you commit to a life together with them. I know a lot of people won't be as strong as I am or won't be able to get out- It is for the rest of us to help those people.

What are your thoughts on what a relationship should have? Sound off in the comments!

A new beginning-Welcome party anyone?

Hello my beautiful blog!

I literally haven't been on here in years! Since 2011 to be exact. Since then I have found my calling in art, met and fallen in love with a wonderful man, finished my law degree and started law school and started my own enterprise in the form of a carnival band at UWI carnival. I read through some of my previous posts and realized how sad and lost I was during that time. I was definitely trying to figure out who I wanted to be, what was love for me and what it all meant in my life. Now, I haven't exactly figured it all out but I feel more secure in myself and who I am and want to be. Maybe its age, maybe its maturity but I definitely needed the time to grow.

So what's been going on with me? Tons! For one thing I started three tumblr blogs and a personal journal. I will post the next few days from each just to give a recap of the last couple years. Why come back now you ask? Well I learned recently that the business world is not as easy as I thought it was. that in today's society having a self brand is just as important as having a business brand. That if you want to succeed in your field you have to do as much self promotion as you do promotion of your business. So instead of being a crazy this is my life of lost love and struggles I think I want to document here how I'm growing personally and what I am doing to better brand myself. Whether its law or creative media I want to become an authority on it. That is my goal for the next few years-Success.

People today are opening the Greatest Secret or looking at all sorts of self motivation books to push themselves to motivate themselves, to figure out what they need to do to make more money and be successful. The simple reality of it all is that people have phased into a higher consciousness of social reality-Believing is all you need to achieve. Believing in oneself is the first step at attaining one's goals-BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN HAVE IT! A lot of our restrictions in life are mental- there is ALWAYS a way to achieve we just have to want it. I don't mean want it, but at the same time particularize why we can't have it. I mean want it and despite all odds and obstacles take it. I think being self motivated is a big part of self branding-one might fear what comes from putting oneself out there to be viewed publicly; what if I don't do it right? What if they say mean things? I won't succeed because I don't have a degree for it. All of that is the reason why more of us stay sad and drab in our little crappy situations. Because we focus on the negativity- what if people love you? So what if you Don't have a degree neither did Einstein, Beethoven or Worhol. We should never limit ourselves just because we look out at other people's way of achieving and don't think we can do it the way they did, or because some one tells you you can't.

I'm reminded of Les Brown, the motivational speaker whose life took a 180 degree spin when he was in high school. He had a twin brother who was very smart. He on the other hand was tested and labelled very early on in life as Mentally retarded- he believe that he was to the core because everyone told him he was. After school one day he went to his brother's class to meet with someone and his brother's teacher called on him to write something on the board. He hesitated and the teacher asked him to hurry up, he finally answered "I can't". When the teacher asked him "why not?" he responded saying he was n the special education class. The teacher either didn't understand or didn't care and asked him to come and write on the board again. Les hung his head and other persons in the class started laughing telling the teacher that, the teacher was mistaking Les for his brother the smart twin that he was DT. The teacher looked at Les and asked what DT meant. Les answered it means DUMB TWIN!. The teacher shushed every one grabbed Les by the arm and said "DON'T EVER SAY THAT AGAIN. SOMEONE'S OPINION OF YOU DOESN'T HAVE TO BECOME YOUR REALITY!"

Hearing that helped me out of a glum situation recently because it made me realize I define who I am. If I accept the negativity that someone says I am then I become that because I believe myself to be. Whereas, on the other hand, if I decide to be who I set out to be despite the same negativity someone says I am, I will be what I want to be despite them.

Our only restrictions from success are our own mental blocks- not society's, not the schools's, not our employer's or our parents' or anyone else! Once you can grasp that epiphany then you have accomplished the first step to success I know this mind block is a big big task to face for a lot of people. You will always have doubts, but belief is what will keep you going. Believe you can and you shall. If you belief you must have it, it will come to you and if you work in the belief that you will get it-it will come even sooner.

Success is no longer far in the distance its right in front of you, all you have to do is not be afraid to take it.

So yeah my road to success, self motivating myself a chronicle of my aspirations and achievements- that's what I am doing with this blog. Hope you stay with me. :)

New Ideas.

So I know alot of people are probably blogging about this trend right now but I wanna put my two cents on it as well. What is it?

Fascinators

Fascinators are traditional headdresses mostly worn by young women instead of a full on brimmed hat. They were made from lace and embellishments in the 1800s and largely went out of style in the 1960s to 1990s they are being resurrected now as a statement piece and being worn by some of the most influential member of Pop culture such as Lady gaga, Nicki Minaj and even the newly wedded Princess Kate. Actually it was the royal wedding that sparked such a flame in this trend.

In the past few years, designers and trendy people had been resurrecting the 1920s and 30s ideas of head bands with feathers and toule as an accessory. I admit they are adorable. It wasnt until this year that an absolute outburst of fascinators came to be a trend in America. Here are some examples.









Modern Fascinators are made from ribbons feathers and toule all put together in some geometric shape that all comes out absolutly astonishing. While these pics aboove arent the most eccentiric, believe me when I say they can get that way.

So being the creative mind I am i decide. I'm not going to even try to figure out how much one of these will cost. Instead I'm going to make one my self. I found this great DIY vid of how to do it as well.




So when I get it done I will let you see!

Wish me luck!!!