Summer here I come!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So my last exam was today and boy was it a doosie(however that word spell, its good to take the American approach sometimes and spell it like it sounds, lol)

Anyway....

I am ready to kick off my Summer, I have work, I have travel, I will get money, yay!! I can't wait.

I have a huge flipping problem. ALL my friends from class are going to Barbados, on the Cave Hill Law program, sucks....even my bestie westie from the nestie, Stephan, is going (God I hope he doesn't see that, lol)

So I have time to really buckle down, I guess. I gonna miss him so much but I guess it's for the best. Once again I feel like I'm not good enough to get into the Barbados program, I dunno, so it goes I guess. I asked for God not to send me to Barbados and he made a way for me to stay in Jamaica and I couldn't be happier. There was a virtual tour of the new faculty building today and my,my was it gorgeous. I can't wait to move in September!!!

Despite all the trials that this year put me through, I think I'll be able to manage on my own. I have been through boy drama after boy drama, family drama after family drama, health issue after health issue. Lord knows, I have survived this year...there's nothing else that can stop me. I still question whether or not law is for me but I know I'll figure it out. I loved Constitutional Law this semester and I absolutely wished that there were more courses like it. It's so interesting the statues and how they are drafted and their origins and blah blah....maybe I'm hyping it up too much, but I loved it.

sigh
Law was a real doosie. I dunno if it was because of all the other stuff going on around me or if it was all the stuff I wanted socially but geese yow, LAW was a bitch to me this year. I know it only gets harder but as my RA and friend Lacey said to me last night,

the best expectation is no expectation

I expected this year to be hard and it was hard. I expect next year to be better and it shall be so. I not making no other expectations for it (out of sheer fear that they will come through too) lol.

Honestly I'm excited for the second year. I have already vowed that I will spend my 8 hours a day studying, party once a month and keep clubs and university activities to at least for UWI, three for hall, and three for cluster. Just enough to get back room, lol. (i'm joking of course) I'm almost certain to end up doing more than I should. I wanna take on the REX band this year, I'm doing Little Black Dress, and I'm doing Art and Decor club. I'm doing MS. UWI definitely and I wanna get back into photography.

Three things I defiantly have to buy from my summer money:
1. a $1000 Nikon, top of the line and only the best that Nikon has to offer....sorry I'm jus not a Cannon person...:P

2. either an airbrush kit or a 180 palette....very small item but i want it!!!

3. gym membership (lol) I neeeeed to get in shape. Cyan mek di body pop dung man. lol but seriously. I have this image of me for next semester and I intend on reaching there physically and mentally.....actually I didn't remember wat the third thing was supposed to be so I just wrote this but its a good thing to add don't you think?!!!

So to the old year, the old me, I say by. Time to make way for summer, for revamping, for renewal, for finding myself and my way, for laying my path and for beginning the rest of my life. :D

SORRY!

So I missed a few days, sue me!....it's been a rough week indeed...My first exam was Monday the 26th...ugh....Criminal Law was a soulless cold vampiric bitch...on STEROIDS!!! So I'm sure I failed that one miserably. Then came Tort on Friday. I did OK don't think I aced it but I defiantly got a C...maybe C+, So it go, this year doesn't count for graduation. I'm happy. I'm sure next year I'll work it out and come again and do well. I hate Law I don't even know why I trying this hard...(O yeah US$10,000 IE $900,000JA in tuition) -sigh-

So it goes I guess, we never really do what we really want until it's too late to do it

...kmt

So I hear that UK is in debt...What I always wondered is if a country borrows from another and so on, and all of those countries that have been borrowed from say that they are in debt. Where did all the money borrowed go?! I wonder how this works. I mean, they surely aren't burying it! So where is it? IDK

I finally got my hands on Eric Jerome Dikey's "Waking with Enemies", which is the sequel to his "Sleeping with Strangers" cant wait to get into it!

Idk nothing exciting to talk about...I finished catching up on the Vampire Diaries, I watched the movie COCO CHANEL, who is by the way, my idle, she took every failure and made it a success. I love that. I wish I could do that...kmt

Boys are troubled. I think I'm gna rehab from them for a while....all of them...even you Stephan. -sigh- I hate men

until next time....

Do you want the GOOD NEWS OR BAD???

I had a great day today.

Bad News:
I completley flopped at my interview. I couldn't remember anything. I was unprepared. I could not answer the questions for the life of me!!!

But i was excited all day and when I came out I was alright. I knew I hadn't gotten the job and I was fine, surprisingly. I didn't feel like a bum. I knew I didn't get it and, frankly, I was OK.

Good News:
I got my J1 Visa!!!!
So now I can work all summer in the Beautiful Grand Tetons National Park. Aaah! That is absolutely better than anything.
After the visa interview, I walked to the bus stop with a group of girls from my placement agency, and one girl in the group, which was very loud and expressive, kept preaching her love for God and thanking him and I really felt bad because I knew I'd been forsaking him all this time. I mean I have absolutely spat in his face repeatedly and he still was blessing me. Well no more. My heart, my body, my soul is officially God's and I will do nothing but worship his glory and refuse temptations.

O geese lemme tell you about the temptations! My flat is very lively and very proud and I'm happy i have a good relationship with them but (excuse the patois)jah know star, sum ah dem ah get pon mi nerves!!!
I wont say what happened but I will just vent here. If it wasn't for this promise to myself I made today, I would've probably killed some one. Thank you Jesus for your love. :D

Well that's it for today. Maybe tomorrow will be more interesting :D. My exams start Monday and I haven't reached anywhere with studying for that. I jus pray I can get it all done in time. But by God's grace I can!!!

Later blog world!

D-DAY

dum dum duuuuuum!!!!

LoL
Today is the day I find out what it's like to be interviewed by my peers. The interview for PRO is today. I am not exactly sure how I feel, a bit excited a bit nervous.....actually not at all nervous. I am funnily a lot excited! I can't wait! I should feel a little nervous knowing y situation but I am confident in my abilities to get the job done before the semester is up. and get good grades as well.

Today is the day for voting for the Hall's executive body and its a bit nerve racking to see my friends scramble the way they are to get as much people, to not only vote, but to vote for them. I think I am happily relieved that I will not have to do that.

O yeah, i find out that Charlene doesn't have a writ against me.....Hallelujah! so that's one nail out of the coffin. This summer program however, might be a very big nail. But I just need to make them stern of the fact that, My tuition isn't chicken feed!!! I can practically run a business for a good amount of time on my tuition for a semester. And though i am getting scholarships and have been applying for more. I really have to make sure that all options are esponged to make sure I stay in school. So if i have to go abroad and work and it coasts me the position of Hall PRO, I guess I'll just have to let it go.

But in brighter news, I am absolutely exhausted (I don't know how that becomes brighter news, but whatever) My stomach woke me up this morning at 6am growling for food. I haven't been eating and I didn't even realize. University life is not conducive to good health, I am absolutely convinced of that. I have to fight to make sure that I eat, drink enough, SLEEP!(well my body shuts down when its tired so I don't think sleep is a problem) actually I sleep too much! MY body is desperately trying to regain its energy and I don't know what to do to help it. Sigh. My main resolution was to turn my health around but honestly my health was much better last semester. Now I am exhausted all the time, I feel stressed. It's better I didn't even try to turn my health around, humph! Anyhow....I'm gonna study so until tomorrow my blog...PEACE!

Scared Of Lonely

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hyOMQM31yMo

So I'm listening to this song yesterday and i say to my friend and Resident Advisor on Hall, Lacey, that this song is so true about me.....sigh......I am honestly afraid of being alone.

When i look back on it I spend as much time away from my room just to ensure that i cant hear the quiet. In truth and fact i only go to my room to sleep....=/

The sad thing about it is, I have no clue where this fear and self-doubt is coming from. I mean at one point you couldn't find a stronger leader than me. I was talking to my other RA, Shinique, because I am running for Hall PRO and 1 of her friends was their and he was just questioning whether I could take on the responsibility of PRO knowing that I wouldn't be here in the summer. My response to him was yeah i could, through teleconferencing, emails and telephone calls. But he was convinced the job couldn't be done in that manner. so i start feeling down and questioning really why should i do this if i cant be here for that vital time in the summer. I felt so unassured and Shinique looked at me, after some talking, and said, "if Onella don't believe in Onella, then why should Shinique?" and it was so true! I mean if ever there is a person who needs to believe in someone it should be that same someone. A friend of mine, Robert, he is visually impaired and has a worsening condition. I spoke with him today and he said the same thing to me. He's running for Deputy Cultural and Entertainment Affairs Chairman and he said, he has to self motivate himself cause with the condition he has him know if him let himself fall victim to it him going to live an unfulfilled life. He wants to push to do better and be better because he knows he is just as good as anyone, despite his visual impediment.

I really appreciate his enthusiasm for the job and all friends aside I am going to vote for him, because I believe in everything there must be determination first and he is determined to be an excellent deputy CEAC and i support him on that. I doubt he will win but that's one more, vote right? I pray he does though.

But back to my woe of being lonely. I think i need to spend some alone time....sometime to just see the walls around me and listen to silence and just be alone. The problem is I am so afraid when I am alone, I have to much to think about and too much to remember and i don't want to go into any darkness that I've been through to go back to that depressive state I've been in. The sad truth is when I'm alone i tend to get depressed easier and just fall back into that evil place again. So my question is....Is it really so bad to not want to stay alone? I guess it is when you fill you company with sexually thirsty men who just wanna sleep with you. But when it comes to constantly needing to feel loved...I think this fear of loneliness has a part to play in it as well...

Maybe I really am screwed up.

I know what i have to do. I have to listen to the silence. Overcome the fear. I have to learn to be alone and not yearn for company, for companionship. I think when I learn to do that then I'll be ready for a new relationship. When it comes to my self doubt I have to learn to respect myself to think things through and develop a conscious course of action for my responsibilities. When i have to make a choice i stand behind my choice. When i have an opinion I need to listen to criticisms and not be defensive. Thee debates for executive positions on hall were held the other night and i saw where an aggravated criticism completely ruined the course of a candidate just because she got angry. I can get angry. My Lecturer Dr. McCoy always says never be defensive should someone criticize your words, they are just words and they can be changed. I think I should put that sort of thinking to my ideas. If there is a genuine problem about my work that someone realizes and says to me, no matter what manner they say it in, I should take the criticism and see that it's just an idea, not a concrete house; immovable and permanent.

I feel better now. I know what i must do to handle the PRO situation. I will start working on it immediately.

Wish me luck. ^_^

Epiphany?

So I'm at my friend Andre's house and I'm flipping through the channels trying to find something to watch and I stop on this movie, it was nothing special but something made me stop. I have no idea what it was called but it is essentially about this young woman who used cooking as a way of getting away from her problems and she blogged about what meal she had tried everyday. It came to a point in the movie where her mom asks her why does this....i.e. blog...and she told her mom that blogging is like therapy, its that AA meeting that you can make it to anytime, It gives you something to do everyday.

Before this whole thing i thought that blogging was.....as that TWX commercial put it...a way of putting down your ideals...who would care if anyone saw it. The point of it all was to give yourself that mental release you needed...I like having a blog...I feel like I can tell you anything, scream absolutely from the top of my lungs and unless someone is looking...no one would hear. As the woman in that movie put it it's that AA meeting...but it's that meeting without that critical stare or those judgmental back thoughts of the other people or the pity from other persons in similar situations. Yes I'm depressed and i have lots of mental problems that i don't wanna talk about and blogging is that therapist without the snotty suit, "tranquil" office or high cost. I like this....I'll do it more often.

I scanned a few other blogs on this site and I realized that all of them are geared in one direction. Themed, if you prefer. I wonder if I should make this blog themed? I really don't like the idea because there are days, like these, where I'll feel like going off on a tangent and it would not be connected to the previous or next post at all. I did dedicate this blog to just ranting about art and fashion and what ever I feel like at the time I'm typing, but I think I need to narrow it a bit more....What do you think???

Eh....I like my blog as is. Well....This is the rest of my life, Blogging everyday, atleast once a day and screaming it down on the world for no one to hear. :)

Crisis

Who would have ever thought that ordering you life would've been so hard.
I'm sitting in the IT lab on my hall right now holding back hurt and tears. When did everything spiral out of control? When did I loose myself and become this horrific and nasty person.

University changed me, there @Christopher Plummer, you win. I've lost myself in everything. I just realized how short I've tied my leash, how cheaply I've sold myself. I really don't wanna cry here. I don't know what I'm gonna do next.