Scared Of Lonely

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hyOMQM31yMo

So I'm listening to this song yesterday and i say to my friend and Resident Advisor on Hall, Lacey, that this song is so true about me.....sigh......I am honestly afraid of being alone.

When i look back on it I spend as much time away from my room just to ensure that i cant hear the quiet. In truth and fact i only go to my room to sleep....=/

The sad thing about it is, I have no clue where this fear and self-doubt is coming from. I mean at one point you couldn't find a stronger leader than me. I was talking to my other RA, Shinique, because I am running for Hall PRO and 1 of her friends was their and he was just questioning whether I could take on the responsibility of PRO knowing that I wouldn't be here in the summer. My response to him was yeah i could, through teleconferencing, emails and telephone calls. But he was convinced the job couldn't be done in that manner. so i start feeling down and questioning really why should i do this if i cant be here for that vital time in the summer. I felt so unassured and Shinique looked at me, after some talking, and said, "if Onella don't believe in Onella, then why should Shinique?" and it was so true! I mean if ever there is a person who needs to believe in someone it should be that same someone. A friend of mine, Robert, he is visually impaired and has a worsening condition. I spoke with him today and he said the same thing to me. He's running for Deputy Cultural and Entertainment Affairs Chairman and he said, he has to self motivate himself cause with the condition he has him know if him let himself fall victim to it him going to live an unfulfilled life. He wants to push to do better and be better because he knows he is just as good as anyone, despite his visual impediment.

I really appreciate his enthusiasm for the job and all friends aside I am going to vote for him, because I believe in everything there must be determination first and he is determined to be an excellent deputy CEAC and i support him on that. I doubt he will win but that's one more, vote right? I pray he does though.

But back to my woe of being lonely. I think i need to spend some alone time....sometime to just see the walls around me and listen to silence and just be alone. The problem is I am so afraid when I am alone, I have to much to think about and too much to remember and i don't want to go into any darkness that I've been through to go back to that depressive state I've been in. The sad truth is when I'm alone i tend to get depressed easier and just fall back into that evil place again. So my question is....Is it really so bad to not want to stay alone? I guess it is when you fill you company with sexually thirsty men who just wanna sleep with you. But when it comes to constantly needing to feel loved...I think this fear of loneliness has a part to play in it as well...

Maybe I really am screwed up.

I know what i have to do. I have to listen to the silence. Overcome the fear. I have to learn to be alone and not yearn for company, for companionship. I think when I learn to do that then I'll be ready for a new relationship. When it comes to my self doubt I have to learn to respect myself to think things through and develop a conscious course of action for my responsibilities. When i have to make a choice i stand behind my choice. When i have an opinion I need to listen to criticisms and not be defensive. Thee debates for executive positions on hall were held the other night and i saw where an aggravated criticism completely ruined the course of a candidate just because she got angry. I can get angry. My Lecturer Dr. McCoy always says never be defensive should someone criticize your words, they are just words and they can be changed. I think I should put that sort of thinking to my ideas. If there is a genuine problem about my work that someone realizes and says to me, no matter what manner they say it in, I should take the criticism and see that it's just an idea, not a concrete house; immovable and permanent.

I feel better now. I know what i must do to handle the PRO situation. I will start working on it immediately.

Wish me luck. ^_^