LOVE, O the Irony...

Love is a strong, beautiful, amazing, demeaning feeling. Weid definition I know. Love will make you do strange things; overlook idocity, lower your standards, make you put up with foolishnness and take all kinds of bullshit. All in the name of LOVE.

I've given my fare share of love, and taken more than that of dumb-fuckery. I'm tired of it. A friend of mine once said that Happiness, just like any other emotion, is a state of mind, you can't find happiness, you make it for yourself. I believe its the same with love. YOU make love, Its not something that just drops out the sky like a meteor and takes over your life. Love is attraction + a massive yearn for companionship. And until I'm proven wrong this will be my honest belief. I love art, life and myself. I'm done playing games and I'm over all the hatred. If a relationship can't make you happy then it's not worth the effort. Love is supposed to be easy, if it aignt well it's probably not love. If it causes more pain than happiness then Its definately not love. Thats my take on it though....

What do you think?

Sigh

I thought i could live my life making everyone happy, pathetic I know. Well since i manage to dissappoint everyone and make my own self miserable. It makes sense i not live. Yeh well i'm not that week and even though that is what i'm thinking, I now know i need to tell the world to fuck off, that what ever I do to be happy is my own doing, and they can kiss my ass if they don't like it.

So to a Law degree...Cheers!

It might not make me happy but atleast it'll make me feel like I conquered something. Stabbed it to death if you will. No one will ever make me feel this way again.

So much changes...yet little is new...

Hello my blog world.

So obviously I haven't been on here in a few months. My last thoughts were on exams. It turns out I failed a good many of them: 3 of 5. Sad.

But that's the past and so is the last 5 months. Summer was a good experience, hard work in an amazing world. Glad that's over!!! I made great friends and a honest love and this summer will impact me forever. For one it has made me want to be a better lawyer, 2 it made me realize how much of a people person I am, 3 it made me realize all of the things I am capable of doing, with ease at that. So yeah I might have failed at bringing home a ton load of cash but I definitely brought home the will power to be a better person.

I am back in school now, have been for about 2 or 3 weeks now, so far, so really, really good. I fallen hard on my face though in the social world, but I figure its a good thing, God knows best.Staying grounded is hard work, but I seem to have it down good so far. I am growing up and moving on, that's how it should be.

This my second year of school will be good!!!

I feel like Ive gone through a world of changes. The only thing is that the circumstances have remained the same. I guess the only thing that really changes is how I deal with these circumstances. I'm not worrying about it though. I'll get it right eventually.

LONGEST WEEK EVER!!!!!!!

I don't know if it's cause I'm so excited but gosh It is taking forever to get to Sunday. FYI that's when the adventure begins!!!

So far I've come home on Sunday, spend the day at home Monday and Tuesday, gone to my Grma's house today....aaaand....that's it!
This week has been awfully drawn out....yeesh!!!

OMG! Top Model ends this week....VAMPIRE DIARIES ENDS THIS WEEK!!!!
The pilot that wouldn't end has finally found one. You know they absolutely broke all the rules for this series. First of all what kinda kick-ass show is named VAMPIRE DIARIES...sounds like a book written by some love struck teenager that has Fabio on the cover (which funny enough that describes the Twilight book...minus the teenager part). The show turned out really good though!!! Like, it made the biggest critic in the word ( me not Simon Cowell) absolutely LOVE IT!!!! Secondly It has over 20 EPISODES IN ITS FIRST SEASON!!! WHO ELSE DOES THAT!

Honestly I think they're only ending the series because HBO needs their writers back for True Blood (just kidding, but seriously the True Blood Season 3 is about to start, June 13 to be exact....People need time to recuperate!!!) Yeah....that's totally the reason....@_@

Onto other news,
Well I don't have any! I give up on men I really do. I'm not gonna vent and get pissed off over them anymore. I just gonna keep my distance. Do what stephan does, the moment you realize their intentions, RUN AWAY!!!! ( no he doesn't do that, but that is what I'm gonna do!!!) Hmm...yeah....either that or become a lesbian....=S (highly unlikely)

So anyway, now waiting for the end of this week to go back home and drown myself in my favorite shows. Trueby forever!

Summer here I come!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So my last exam was today and boy was it a doosie(however that word spell, its good to take the American approach sometimes and spell it like it sounds, lol)

Anyway....

I am ready to kick off my Summer, I have work, I have travel, I will get money, yay!! I can't wait.

I have a huge flipping problem. ALL my friends from class are going to Barbados, on the Cave Hill Law program, sucks....even my bestie westie from the nestie, Stephan, is going (God I hope he doesn't see that, lol)

So I have time to really buckle down, I guess. I gonna miss him so much but I guess it's for the best. Once again I feel like I'm not good enough to get into the Barbados program, I dunno, so it goes I guess. I asked for God not to send me to Barbados and he made a way for me to stay in Jamaica and I couldn't be happier. There was a virtual tour of the new faculty building today and my,my was it gorgeous. I can't wait to move in September!!!

Despite all the trials that this year put me through, I think I'll be able to manage on my own. I have been through boy drama after boy drama, family drama after family drama, health issue after health issue. Lord knows, I have survived this year...there's nothing else that can stop me. I still question whether or not law is for me but I know I'll figure it out. I loved Constitutional Law this semester and I absolutely wished that there were more courses like it. It's so interesting the statues and how they are drafted and their origins and blah blah....maybe I'm hyping it up too much, but I loved it.

sigh
Law was a real doosie. I dunno if it was because of all the other stuff going on around me or if it was all the stuff I wanted socially but geese yow, LAW was a bitch to me this year. I know it only gets harder but as my RA and friend Lacey said to me last night,

the best expectation is no expectation

I expected this year to be hard and it was hard. I expect next year to be better and it shall be so. I not making no other expectations for it (out of sheer fear that they will come through too) lol.

Honestly I'm excited for the second year. I have already vowed that I will spend my 8 hours a day studying, party once a month and keep clubs and university activities to at least for UWI, three for hall, and three for cluster. Just enough to get back room, lol. (i'm joking of course) I'm almost certain to end up doing more than I should. I wanna take on the REX band this year, I'm doing Little Black Dress, and I'm doing Art and Decor club. I'm doing MS. UWI definitely and I wanna get back into photography.

Three things I defiantly have to buy from my summer money:
1. a $1000 Nikon, top of the line and only the best that Nikon has to offer....sorry I'm jus not a Cannon person...:P

2. either an airbrush kit or a 180 palette....very small item but i want it!!!

3. gym membership (lol) I neeeeed to get in shape. Cyan mek di body pop dung man. lol but seriously. I have this image of me for next semester and I intend on reaching there physically and mentally.....actually I didn't remember wat the third thing was supposed to be so I just wrote this but its a good thing to add don't you think?!!!

So to the old year, the old me, I say by. Time to make way for summer, for revamping, for renewal, for finding myself and my way, for laying my path and for beginning the rest of my life. :D

SORRY!

So I missed a few days, sue me!....it's been a rough week indeed...My first exam was Monday the 26th...ugh....Criminal Law was a soulless cold vampiric bitch...on STEROIDS!!! So I'm sure I failed that one miserably. Then came Tort on Friday. I did OK don't think I aced it but I defiantly got a C...maybe C+, So it go, this year doesn't count for graduation. I'm happy. I'm sure next year I'll work it out and come again and do well. I hate Law I don't even know why I trying this hard...(O yeah US$10,000 IE $900,000JA in tuition) -sigh-

So it goes I guess, we never really do what we really want until it's too late to do it

...kmt

So I hear that UK is in debt...What I always wondered is if a country borrows from another and so on, and all of those countries that have been borrowed from say that they are in debt. Where did all the money borrowed go?! I wonder how this works. I mean, they surely aren't burying it! So where is it? IDK

I finally got my hands on Eric Jerome Dikey's "Waking with Enemies", which is the sequel to his "Sleeping with Strangers" cant wait to get into it!

Idk nothing exciting to talk about...I finished catching up on the Vampire Diaries, I watched the movie COCO CHANEL, who is by the way, my idle, she took every failure and made it a success. I love that. I wish I could do that...kmt

Boys are troubled. I think I'm gna rehab from them for a while....all of them...even you Stephan. -sigh- I hate men

until next time....

Do you want the GOOD NEWS OR BAD???

I had a great day today.

Bad News:
I completley flopped at my interview. I couldn't remember anything. I was unprepared. I could not answer the questions for the life of me!!!

But i was excited all day and when I came out I was alright. I knew I hadn't gotten the job and I was fine, surprisingly. I didn't feel like a bum. I knew I didn't get it and, frankly, I was OK.

Good News:
I got my J1 Visa!!!!
So now I can work all summer in the Beautiful Grand Tetons National Park. Aaah! That is absolutely better than anything.
After the visa interview, I walked to the bus stop with a group of girls from my placement agency, and one girl in the group, which was very loud and expressive, kept preaching her love for God and thanking him and I really felt bad because I knew I'd been forsaking him all this time. I mean I have absolutely spat in his face repeatedly and he still was blessing me. Well no more. My heart, my body, my soul is officially God's and I will do nothing but worship his glory and refuse temptations.

O geese lemme tell you about the temptations! My flat is very lively and very proud and I'm happy i have a good relationship with them but (excuse the patois)jah know star, sum ah dem ah get pon mi nerves!!!
I wont say what happened but I will just vent here. If it wasn't for this promise to myself I made today, I would've probably killed some one. Thank you Jesus for your love. :D

Well that's it for today. Maybe tomorrow will be more interesting :D. My exams start Monday and I haven't reached anywhere with studying for that. I jus pray I can get it all done in time. But by God's grace I can!!!

Later blog world!

D-DAY

dum dum duuuuuum!!!!

LoL
Today is the day I find out what it's like to be interviewed by my peers. The interview for PRO is today. I am not exactly sure how I feel, a bit excited a bit nervous.....actually not at all nervous. I am funnily a lot excited! I can't wait! I should feel a little nervous knowing y situation but I am confident in my abilities to get the job done before the semester is up. and get good grades as well.

Today is the day for voting for the Hall's executive body and its a bit nerve racking to see my friends scramble the way they are to get as much people, to not only vote, but to vote for them. I think I am happily relieved that I will not have to do that.

O yeah, i find out that Charlene doesn't have a writ against me.....Hallelujah! so that's one nail out of the coffin. This summer program however, might be a very big nail. But I just need to make them stern of the fact that, My tuition isn't chicken feed!!! I can practically run a business for a good amount of time on my tuition for a semester. And though i am getting scholarships and have been applying for more. I really have to make sure that all options are esponged to make sure I stay in school. So if i have to go abroad and work and it coasts me the position of Hall PRO, I guess I'll just have to let it go.

But in brighter news, I am absolutely exhausted (I don't know how that becomes brighter news, but whatever) My stomach woke me up this morning at 6am growling for food. I haven't been eating and I didn't even realize. University life is not conducive to good health, I am absolutely convinced of that. I have to fight to make sure that I eat, drink enough, SLEEP!(well my body shuts down when its tired so I don't think sleep is a problem) actually I sleep too much! MY body is desperately trying to regain its energy and I don't know what to do to help it. Sigh. My main resolution was to turn my health around but honestly my health was much better last semester. Now I am exhausted all the time, I feel stressed. It's better I didn't even try to turn my health around, humph! Anyhow....I'm gonna study so until tomorrow my blog...PEACE!

Scared Of Lonely

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hyOMQM31yMo

So I'm listening to this song yesterday and i say to my friend and Resident Advisor on Hall, Lacey, that this song is so true about me.....sigh......I am honestly afraid of being alone.

When i look back on it I spend as much time away from my room just to ensure that i cant hear the quiet. In truth and fact i only go to my room to sleep....=/

The sad thing about it is, I have no clue where this fear and self-doubt is coming from. I mean at one point you couldn't find a stronger leader than me. I was talking to my other RA, Shinique, because I am running for Hall PRO and 1 of her friends was their and he was just questioning whether I could take on the responsibility of PRO knowing that I wouldn't be here in the summer. My response to him was yeah i could, through teleconferencing, emails and telephone calls. But he was convinced the job couldn't be done in that manner. so i start feeling down and questioning really why should i do this if i cant be here for that vital time in the summer. I felt so unassured and Shinique looked at me, after some talking, and said, "if Onella don't believe in Onella, then why should Shinique?" and it was so true! I mean if ever there is a person who needs to believe in someone it should be that same someone. A friend of mine, Robert, he is visually impaired and has a worsening condition. I spoke with him today and he said the same thing to me. He's running for Deputy Cultural and Entertainment Affairs Chairman and he said, he has to self motivate himself cause with the condition he has him know if him let himself fall victim to it him going to live an unfulfilled life. He wants to push to do better and be better because he knows he is just as good as anyone, despite his visual impediment.

I really appreciate his enthusiasm for the job and all friends aside I am going to vote for him, because I believe in everything there must be determination first and he is determined to be an excellent deputy CEAC and i support him on that. I doubt he will win but that's one more, vote right? I pray he does though.

But back to my woe of being lonely. I think i need to spend some alone time....sometime to just see the walls around me and listen to silence and just be alone. The problem is I am so afraid when I am alone, I have to much to think about and too much to remember and i don't want to go into any darkness that I've been through to go back to that depressive state I've been in. The sad truth is when I'm alone i tend to get depressed easier and just fall back into that evil place again. So my question is....Is it really so bad to not want to stay alone? I guess it is when you fill you company with sexually thirsty men who just wanna sleep with you. But when it comes to constantly needing to feel loved...I think this fear of loneliness has a part to play in it as well...

Maybe I really am screwed up.

I know what i have to do. I have to listen to the silence. Overcome the fear. I have to learn to be alone and not yearn for company, for companionship. I think when I learn to do that then I'll be ready for a new relationship. When it comes to my self doubt I have to learn to respect myself to think things through and develop a conscious course of action for my responsibilities. When i have to make a choice i stand behind my choice. When i have an opinion I need to listen to criticisms and not be defensive. Thee debates for executive positions on hall were held the other night and i saw where an aggravated criticism completely ruined the course of a candidate just because she got angry. I can get angry. My Lecturer Dr. McCoy always says never be defensive should someone criticize your words, they are just words and they can be changed. I think I should put that sort of thinking to my ideas. If there is a genuine problem about my work that someone realizes and says to me, no matter what manner they say it in, I should take the criticism and see that it's just an idea, not a concrete house; immovable and permanent.

I feel better now. I know what i must do to handle the PRO situation. I will start working on it immediately.

Wish me luck. ^_^

Epiphany?

So I'm at my friend Andre's house and I'm flipping through the channels trying to find something to watch and I stop on this movie, it was nothing special but something made me stop. I have no idea what it was called but it is essentially about this young woman who used cooking as a way of getting away from her problems and she blogged about what meal she had tried everyday. It came to a point in the movie where her mom asks her why does this....i.e. blog...and she told her mom that blogging is like therapy, its that AA meeting that you can make it to anytime, It gives you something to do everyday.

Before this whole thing i thought that blogging was.....as that TWX commercial put it...a way of putting down your ideals...who would care if anyone saw it. The point of it all was to give yourself that mental release you needed...I like having a blog...I feel like I can tell you anything, scream absolutely from the top of my lungs and unless someone is looking...no one would hear. As the woman in that movie put it it's that AA meeting...but it's that meeting without that critical stare or those judgmental back thoughts of the other people or the pity from other persons in similar situations. Yes I'm depressed and i have lots of mental problems that i don't wanna talk about and blogging is that therapist without the snotty suit, "tranquil" office or high cost. I like this....I'll do it more often.

I scanned a few other blogs on this site and I realized that all of them are geared in one direction. Themed, if you prefer. I wonder if I should make this blog themed? I really don't like the idea because there are days, like these, where I'll feel like going off on a tangent and it would not be connected to the previous or next post at all. I did dedicate this blog to just ranting about art and fashion and what ever I feel like at the time I'm typing, but I think I need to narrow it a bit more....What do you think???

Eh....I like my blog as is. Well....This is the rest of my life, Blogging everyday, atleast once a day and screaming it down on the world for no one to hear. :)

Crisis

Who would have ever thought that ordering you life would've been so hard.
I'm sitting in the IT lab on my hall right now holding back hurt and tears. When did everything spiral out of control? When did I loose myself and become this horrific and nasty person.

University changed me, there @Christopher Plummer, you win. I've lost myself in everything. I just realized how short I've tied my leash, how cheaply I've sold myself. I really don't wanna cry here. I don't know what I'm gonna do next.

Sylvia Ji and the Day of the Dead...

Halloween is often seen as a day to just frolic about and party and dress up as scary as u can....however in Mexico, their equivalent: the Day of the Dead is more of a ancestral remembrance day, where they parade through the streets and at the end of the day remember their lost love ones.

I actually stumbled across this artist while watching YouTube videos, but she is absolutely amazing.....her pieces give me a Day of the Dead vibe where in the faces are like the gigantic masks that are paraded during the festivities. But her work has intense sexuality and just a Erie mysterious vibe about them. Her website had this to say:

"Born in 1982, a native of San Francisco,Sylvia Ji's artistic ability is akin to another time and place. Her work encapsulates an alluring beauty that is both cutting edge and a nod to time-honored technique. hauntingly beautiful images brimming with sexual provocation mix with a sense on consternation, hinting that all is not well as it may initially appear."

Her work is crazy...she is in high demand having had her first independent show while still in school. Ji paintings have this time honored appreciation even if they are brand new....she's definately worth watching as a collector's item. though the technique seems simple, the work on the faces are glorious....take a look:












Amazing, nuh tru! I'd not found the names of these pieces but you can take a closer look at her website: http://www.sylviaji.com/

Shes my new favorite artist, man....sorry Salvadore

Art!

Its amazing how one little thing can cheer me up. Wanna know what it is? The word art. (eeek!). I was so down in the dumps and just one sentence with the word in it perked me up.....im such a simpleton

-Sigh-

Me and and my boy friend broke up Saturday. I don't wanna talk about it

C-CCC-COLD!

It is absolutely freezing today!!!!
What's up with the weather, man?!
It snowed in Florida for the first time in 25 yrs. Yow! No man.....Trinidad here i come!

May I

May I
See… through you .
your posturing postulates … and pandering
shrinks my plain eyes to lay parallel on planes
beneath your six inch heels that stand
on my stains.

In your arms
my inadequacies
are cupped in cotton comforts
like cleavage
‘kotched’ between Scotch see thru.
That make up this take up
of taped up confidence.

may I
see thru you
your window sills
the world like fixtures
painting life still.
While my sight rest
Buttressed on stilts.

Without you
I bid time adieu
pandering in my faults
as I pry into my fears…
I see the world-
like affairs…
Trying- to
make out moving stills.
These eyes are strained
before the movie… stills

May I …
See thru your frames
Framed on caricatures of a mother’s pain.
May I…
trespass -
pass your thighs
So I can stop squinting
Like lips
quivering
Like eyes…
Closed
Like legs…
crossed
And lower
lips …
Clothed.

you are the lover I won’t admit to
but pride cowers
and callow
may I seem
because my needs
Can’t nosh in fallow fields.
Seeds sowed shallow
into my field of vision
lacking the luster –of 20/20 precision.
The care in your hands
that caress this world in high definition.

Even though
You are the lover I won’t admit to,
Admittedly
you are the only one
My inadequacies
will submit to.
So again I ask
Panting-
Pleading Please…
May I- see…
thru you?
-Stephan Morrison

I am
tired of singing int he rain
and
screaming my pain
and I'm tired
of letting you go when you know u just want to be near me


Lol.
That's my little rant...:)
So my friend from school Stephan, who is a real asshole but i still love him....I know he's gonna read this....just raised an issue to me: well I added to it.
I said, "Men are simple", after which I went on to explain why I said it (since he asked). Any way it all ended in him telling me to blog about it.

I strongly believe men are simple, not in a derogatory way as in tryna say they are stupid. No they aren't, duh. Men just find life more pleasing. Once they get what they want they're good. They enjoy the simple things and just want the basic neccesities. I mean what heterosexual man are u gonna hear arguing about his shoe color or his haircut or something as, I don't know, rudementary as that?!

Let's face it . Women make evrything hard on themselves. They always searching for the deeper meaning in things. A guy will sit down and enjoy a gorgeous sunset (if he's that kinda guy) while a woman gonna wonder what kinda planetary allignments are in place. A guy will enjoy a glass of champagne while a woman will fuss about its price. Seriously (whether it be too cheap or too expensive)! How many guys you know will take longer to get ready for a party than a girl......very few.....And how many guys you know will have to completly swagg out for sumthing as simple as a bar-b-q....well i k no a few but still...they the minority.

Guy just enjoy life better....Is it becase women are generally more emotional and are always tryna find a deeper meaning in things? How many men you know will annalyze a conversation to figure out if a girl really likes him? I kno evcery girl does that....well he said hi...o but if he said hello well that must mean somthing else...which it might but watever....


so yeah thats my rant of the day...lol

Thought

As a river runs deep,
my soul flows away,
becoming lost in your ocean,
concealed at your bay.
Loveing is losing yourself to a soul
No longer one, but half of a whole.
-Onella Lue